Wednesday, August 11, 2004
Why Jess No Longer Has Any Dishes
I recently went out with a psychotic woman. Nothing new they seem to be attracted to me. This one got mad because another girl called my cellphone at about 1:00 AM. This is not a big deal I thought, hell, I am not even dating this one we just went out for dinner and drinks. She suddenly got very quiet. Then I believe that I saw Satan in her eyes, really quite scary.

She was very quiet for a while then asked me if she could have a glass of water. I said no problem, that I would get it. She insisted that it was fine, and that she was an independent woman. So I let her go to the kitchen, then I hear glass break. My first thought is well she must have dropped one. Second thought oh well, its just a glass. Then more breaking, then just a huge crash. Then more crashes. I run in and she is literally breaking every dish that I have in my cupboard. Then she turns looks at me calls me an asshole and starts pulling artwork off the wall.

I am at a quandary here.... Not only do I live in a second story apartment but it is mostly seniors at the complex I am at. Time is now 2:00 AM. What to do? She then grabs liquor bottles off the counter and they go crashing to the floor. She then grabs the olive oil, crash. I have no idea what to do. I have no idea what she is going to do next either. So then she goes over to my wine rack, and those hit the floor. I think, damn, what would Tucker Max do? The strange thoughts that go through your head. I am trying to calm her down... Then my cellphone starts vibrating in my pocket again. Oh no. I am damn sure not going to answer this one. She then tipped my dresser and grabbed the last plate, that was thrown at my head. I deflected it with my arm, and sat down in disbelief.

She then told me "you will call me again, I am sure." So I took my cellphone out erased her phone number and asked her to leave. She then stated "I think you have a drinking problem." I had just met this girl. I told her that " I have a problem and she will not leave, drinking, how can I? You smashed all my alcohol." She left crying. Now maybe I am wrong but she had nothing to cry about.

I called my housekeeper at 7:00 AM and told her that I would pay her triple to come clean. She agreed. This should and would be the end of this story except that I was having lunch today with the Missing Link and Pooh Bear and she called. I of course was not answering this call period. She left me a message saying how much she missed me and all that. I hope she does not know that I am in town. Scary woman, seemed so polite when I met her.

The moral of this story is watch the polite ones with too much peppiness. You may not have dishes if you don't.

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