Friday, December 31, 2004
 
2004 LOSLI year in review post.
Ah. Ooh. OK.

Done. Happy new year to all.

 
Conversations with "Spanish on the Move" CD
Me: Damn you all to hell Marta Gomez.
CD: Mi nombre es Marta Gomez, yo vivo en sonora y trabajo en cuidad de mexico. es claro?
Me: Slow down honey....
CD: (incoherent spanish rambling)
Me: Slow down
CD: Me llamo es Arturo Moreno
Me: Great. Another one, where the hell did you come from?
CD: Soy dentista, y doctor.
Me: Did you just say your a doctor and dentist? No wonder you are making cds, you must have a helluva lot of student loans eh Artie?
CD: Hola Marta, es Arturo. Como estas?
Me: Ignore me all you want Artie, I have you figured out.

 
New Year's Contract....
Mad Kane delivers, please print sign and stick to it.

There is more click on the above link, to read it all.

...DIET:

1. Couple shall reduce their caffeine and cholesterol intake. Additionally, they shall not tempt each other with ice cream or chocolate, except on special occasions. The following are not special occasions:

a. National Notary Public Day

b. Air Conditioning Appreciation Day

c. American Aardvark Week

2. Husband and Wife shall modify their alcohol intake. Husband acknowledges that "lite" beer counts.....



I'm off to go goose hunting with clients, so you kids take care and have a happy and safe new year. C U in 05.

Thursday, December 30, 2004
 
Reason #582 why I hate living in an apartment
I don’t know about anyone else but I tend to use up all my clothes before I decide to make the trek down to the laundry room. It isn’t that I’m lazy. I just don’t like carting that stuff around more than once a week (or two).

We have one laundry facility for the entire complex and I’m starting to think I’m just about the only idiot that hasn’t rented a washer and dryer because I hardly ever see anyone in there. 6 units for something like 200 apartments (I’m guessing)… you’d think I’d see someone else.

Anyway, I went to do laundry tonight and it dawned on me that I haven’t seen 3 pairs of panties that I absolutely adore since the last time the boyfriend and I did laundry. That time there was actually a guy in there putting stuff in the dryer. Interesting.

I came back upstairs and rummaged around thinking perhaps I had just overlooked them somewhere. They were nowhere to be found.

It seemed like a far fetched idea but I called the boyfriend to see if perhaps he took them to keep him company in the truck or something. Hey… you never know right? He thought it might be a good idea for future reference but swears he doesn’t have them.

That can only mean one thing. Some freaky apartment dweller stole my favorite panties out of the dryer…


Wednesday, December 29, 2004
 
Another Arkansas Hottie! (Besides Me Of Course!)
My girl Stacey was telling me about this really sweet, smart, and artistically talented girl she went to college with. Here is her email:

"This is a girl that i was in some of the same art classes with at UAM. Krisi was a cheerleader, and involved in other campus/student activities, a talented artist and she is a really genuinely sweet person. So, watch her on Jan. 5th, NBC, on that sports illustrated model search show. I seriously hope that she wins. Please vote for her!"

Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Model Search

And may I just say that she makes me feel like an ugly, fat troll! I'm still going to vote for her because she's so dang cute! Bonus points to my new fiance (that's weird to say that) for saying she needed a little meat on her bones. Aw!



 
How not to settle a land dispute "western" style
I received a collect call at home the other night from the jail. It was a former coworker of mine begging me to bail him out.

Me: Before I bail you out I need to know the offense.
Him: Well umm.
Me: Yes.
Him: Well I....
Me: You what?
Him: I was arrested.
Me: No shit, is that how you got to jail?
Him: Yeah.
Me: For what dumbass?
Him: Well, I would prefer not to talk about it now.
Me: Your decision, big shooter. I am not going to bail you out without knowing the offense.
Him: Well um.
Me: I am listening.
Him: I had a little land dispute with my neighbor and it got western.
Me: How western? Shots fired?
Him: No, nothing like that, I got mad at him for crossing into my property with his four wheeler, so I defacated on his front porch.
Me: You mean defaced?
Him: No, I mean shit, I shit on his porch.
Me: No fucking way. That is crazy.
Him: Right, I realize it now but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Me: Wow.
Him: Yeah, so now they are charging me with indecent exposure and property damage.
Me: Right. (Breaking into uncontrollable laughter.)
Him: It is not funny.
Me: Right, so why indecent exposure? Did you do this in day light?
Him: No, but I rang the bell as I dropped my pants, he and his wife came to the door, and turned on the porchlight, and there I squatted.
Me: No fucking way. You got balls man.
Him: Yeah, can you bail me out?
Me: I will call an attorney friend of mine he will take care of you. By the way that is not western, that is just plain weird.
Him: Thanks man, I owe you.
Me: (Laughing uncontrollably)
Him: See ya.
Me: (Laughing) You have any soap on a rope?
Him: No, why?
Me: Whatever you do, don't drop the soap.
Him: Jess, go fuck yourself.


So I called a lawyer friend of mine and had him tended to, so to speak.

 
A rare occurence....
A liberal guest blogging on a conservative blog. She seems to be willing to spar too. Could be fun.

 
Interesting Art
Do you like it? I am undecided. Meet the Folks is intriguing me...

Found via the newly engaged Ginger.

 
Men are kinda funny sometimes...
On my way to work this morning I happened to notice the man in the van in front of me making extreme tongue flicking (aka porn tongue) faces at the lady in the car next to him. Perhaps he figured since he was so high up and on the opposite side of the van, she wouldn’t see him doing his Gene Simmons impression. I’m sure he momentarily forgot that he didn’t have tinted windows and the rest of the world could actually see him doing this. I don’t know if the lady saw it or not but I looked toward the right and the nice gentleman in the Audi next to me was laughing hysterically and then noticed I was laughing with him and just shook his head. It reminded me of the time I was stuck at a dead stop on I-25 in the middle of the summer with my window down and the guy next to me informed me he’d like to feel my hair on his balls.

The real question is… does this approach actually work?




 
I discovered something....
I actually like brussel sprouts. I thought I would hate them, I avoided them for years, but last night I had some.

Now bear in mind I dipped them in sour cream, to tame the smell but they were quite tasty. Now, I want another batch of sour cream dipped brussell sprouts. I wonder if they have them at restaurants?

 
A note from the Designer:

{{[[ADVERTISEMENT]]}}

The site design is complete. The extensive list of hyperlinks have been turned into handy-dandy drop down lists. The code for them, as well as the mouseover links found at my site, can be modified from the codes found at DynamicDrive.com.

As you can tell, I'm not the best web developer out there. I am, however, probably the cheapest web developer in the market...other than free. If you or anyone you know would like me to do for your site what I did for Jesse's I'm as cheap as 20 bucks. I'll do my best to satisfy requests with my limited skills. If you'd like me to make your site pretty like LOSLI you can e-mail me here.

Also, If anyone wants a gmail account I've got six (6) to hand out. Remember, just like fast cars, chicks dig gmail.

-Jeremy Bol-
American Warmonger

Go get a new design... Jeremy rocks.
Jess ( I bumped it up and may do so again so look below for new shiznit.)


 
For the earthquake victims please donate what you can
This is a horror that I hope I will never see. Please please donate anything you can to the Red Cross. I will try to match the donations made from this site, but if I don't just please remember, you are saving lives with every penny you give.

 
Why?
Questions
1.)Why did I just spend four hours cleaning my 2 bedroom apartment?
2.)Do I have important visitors coming?
3.)Am I bored?
4.)Did my apartment look like a pig sty before tonight?
5.)Why don't I clean more often?


Answers
1.) Because I found a note on my door.
2.) According to the note I have two electricians coming.
3.) I have a short attention span amongst other short things.
4.) Pig sty is as pig sty does.
5.) I hate cleaning, and I fired my housekeeper a couple of months ago.

P.S. I really hate cleaning. You would think as dilligently as I worked it was two strippers coming in the morning not two electricians. Damn, if I never see another clorox "ready mop" pad again, it will not be too soon.

Tuesday, December 28, 2004
 
That Was Then . . .
I was having lunch at Wolf Hole Pizza the other day. I like the music in there. My guess is they pick up one of the satelite music feeds.

I was listening to the Beatles sing "I Saw Her Standing There." It was a hit in 1964. That was 40 years ago. I thought about that -- 40 years.

Here's the interesting thing: In 1964 the radio wasn't playing hits from 1924 (40 years earlier). But with a few exceptions, we've had 40 years of pretty good music. We've had our ups and downs (there was Disco, after all), but all in all, at least as far as the music goes, it's been a good 40 years. That's why we're still listening to it.

Rock on.

 
My first goose hunting experience
I went goose hunting yesterday. It was a work thing, I took customers out into the country down to the river and we hunted.

We walked along the river bank the three of us, then heard the distinct calling geese make. We crept slowly around a rock outcropping, they started calling the geese with their calls, the geese squall was getting louder, the whispers of anticipation were growing. The calling continued, we moved closer. The calls were increasing in volume and number, the excitement was intense, I could feel my heart beating up into my throat.

We then turned a corner in the river and saw them....

4 goose hunters returning every call we made, 4 goose hunters looking shocked to see us come around the corner. 4 goose hunters that looked a little pissed, then frustrated, and finally started laughing. We all laughed, what else could we do? We probably looked like 4 highschool kids, telling stories about the girls. I guess you could say we formed a bond of friendship on the banks of the Animas River.

I know, I know some of you may say "Jess goes hunting? No effing way." But, I even wore camouflage.



 
Why I can't talk.....
I woke up sometime around 4:00 am on my bed without any blankets. I seem to have caught a cold.

For some reason not known now, I got up in the middle of the night hauled my blankets to the couch. I then must have gone back to bed without any blankets or comforter or anything but my sheet. I am sitting in my office shivering, with my three shirts on. Damn you , damn you all to hell Jess.

Now, I can't talk, but by god I am stilll typing.

 
Achievements
I have now gone 4 days without using my cellphone, I dated a stripper once, I have not run out of gas in 2 days.

Oh yeah, and I once wrote a poem in highschool English.







 
Meet the neighbors
Stop by and say hello to Rhonda at Skinny Dipping with the President.

It is laugh out loud funny.

Monday, December 27, 2004
 
A whole new look for LOSLI
This shit is clean. My template has been designed by Jeremy of The American War Monger.

More changes coming. It is amazing how good it looks. Thanks Jeremy.

*Update* 11:38 PM
It's so purdy.

 
Breaking: Bin Laden tape urges Iraqis to boycott election
From Fox
Of course he does not want the Iraqis to vote, to me this is a no brainer.

I know the right wingers will say that this is proof that the war on Terror is indeed in Iraq. My response to them is... If you are camping in the woods and throw out enough food eventually the bears will smell it and come to you.

I know the leftwingers will say that this means absolutely nothing, well in my opinion it is signifigant. It proves that yes Bin Laden is alive, that yes he is now working with Al Zarqawi and that they communicate through coconut telephones.

It means that to some of the extremist islamists that their man told them not to vote, now they do not have to think about it, they can just watch the polling results on CNN. It means that for a group of fence sitters that the decision has been made for them.

Does this effect the average iraqi? I doubt it. Just my two cents.
H/T Protein Wisdom

 
Just a suggestion
There is one universal truth about my family and road trips… Mexican food + my dad + enclosed vehicle for any length of time = horrible combination.

That being said, if you ever have to stop in Alamosa, CO for any reason (I think you’d have to have a good reason) and you like Mexican food… there’s this place called Calvilillo’s (sp?). To die for Mexican food.

It’s good to be back… more to come.


 
Who'd you rather?
Following Ginger's lead, and because I can I am putting up a "who'd you rather?"

for the guys or whomever...
Jenna or Barbara

I am a Barbara man myself, but I always have preferred brunettes

This just seems wrong, but Bill or Dubya?



 
Meet the neighbors
Nickie Goomba

A funny conservative that actually makes me think.

 
Hmm....
I don't know how this happened, but we are now rated # 6 on Blog Explosion top 10 rated blogs. I thank everyone that voted. Thanks Ginger for the heads up.

Update*: I knew it wouldn't last but it was fun for a while or hour or whatever.

Sunday, December 26, 2004
 
Meet the neighbors
T. Rex's Guide to Life

 
Sad
Earthquake

Nothing else to say.

 


How do you go from this:

girls1.jpg

to this:

girls2.jpg

answer here....


 
A Christmas story - Tales from the Road
As I have mentioned before, I hate getting gas. I can not say why,yet I do.

Yesterday while driving back from Las Vegas I ran out of gas. I was on Interstate 40 between Ash Fork and Williams Arizona, My low fuel light was on but I thought "No biggie, get gas in Williams." Climbing the hill I started to feel power loss, now this would scare most people but not I, I guess I have been there too many times.

I get pulled over take my emergency gas can and set out walking. I was at mile marker 151. I saw a station a mile or two back, no biggie I will walk. I walk the two miles back to exit 149 or Monte Carlo Road see a gas station, ah yes, we are golden. Get to the gas station only to find that it was closed, with no card lock.

I can see the sign another mile or so up for another exit and walk to it. I don't know what was up there but I know it was not a gas station or for that matter anything else. By this point I am near mile marker 147. I start seeing signs for a Mobil gas station at exit 146. I get to this exit, but alas the two stations are closed, no card lock at either one.

I have the start of what can only be described as fear when this nice young couple in a Mercury Cougar with a Latinos for Kerry bumper sticker pulls up, asks if I am alright. I tell them that I ran out of gas a few miles up the road, but that all the stations are closed. The gentleman says to get in, and that we will find gas. I load up thanking them and my lucky stars, we find a station about three miles up the road that is open, I fill my gas can and thank them. They both insist that I get in the car and they will take me back to mine. I do.

On the way back, I ask them if they drink whiskey, the gentleman says yes, he does but rarely buys it for himself. I take mental note. We make it back to my vehicle, I ask them to hang on for a second, run up to my vehicle give them one of my Crown Royal gift sets, and thank them again. I ask, in closing what their names are, so I can write about it in my blog.

Can you guess what they were? Come on now it's christmas. Ok, Ok it was Jesus and Stephanie. Now, I am not saying I believe, but Jesus, come on now, what are the odds? For all my readers unfalmiliar with the spanish language, Jesus is pronounced Hay Suse, but I gotta believe that I was the subject of a little christmas miracle.

Maybe, just maybe Jess needs to go to church today. Maybe, I need to fill my gas can a little more often too. I dunno just thought I would share with all the LOSLI readers and get your take. Yes, this is a true story, and by the way Merry belated Christmas. To all of you.

 
Just an FYI
The only musician I hate more than Gavin Degraw is Ryan Cabrera.

If he was in prison Gavin Degraw would be the bitch's bitch.

 
Things you learn about yourself...
Unbenowst to me, I guess I am a fan of country music. At least I am according to my christmas gifts.

 
Meet the neighbors
Natalie Davis' All Facts and Opinions
Who I may just have to give a blog award for the best URL.



Saturday, December 25, 2004
 
Conversations with cops
Police officer: Do you know why I stopped you?

Jess: If I was guessing I would say my speed.

PO: You guessed right, whats your hurry?

Me: No hurry really

PO: Then why were you going so fast?

Me: I dunno, I guess I wasn't expecting you. I had my cruise set.

PO: Well, I was there and saw you, 90 is a little high for a cruise don't ya think?

Me: Yes, I noticed. Usually go at 85 but got brave I guess today, thought you would be unwrapping presents today.

PO: Didn't I stop you here about a month ago.

Me: To use police terminology, that is a 10-4.

PO: Did I not tell you to slow down?

Me: Yes, but I thought you would be eating christmas turkey today and the coast was clear.

PO: Hmm.

Me: You want all my drivers license stuff?

PO: Well yeah. Are you a slow learner or are just defiant?

Me: Probably a little of both.

PO: OK, well take this back. (Hands me license) and slow down.

Me: OK, where does your patrol district end?

PO: I won't tell you.

Me: Come on, I am just curious.

PO: Matter of fact, I think I will leave ahead of you, are you going to pass me?

Me: Only if you go under the speed limit.

PO: Merry Christmas Jess.

Me: Yes, Merry Christmas seargent, see you in a month or so?

PO: You are amazing. Yes, hopefully in a cafe, not on the side of the highway.

I then had to follow him for 35 miles at the speed limit, that is hard for me to do.

 
Jess' challenge to himself....
Do not talk on cell phone all weekend....

I have been succesful for two days thus far, and have not even checked voicemail, though yes, I have wanted. Last time I toggled over I had 37 voicemails. Monday is a new day.

 
I have done a little self diagnostic work....
....and decided that I am a unleadachondriac. I loathe getting gas, up to the point where I have now run out of gas twice in six months. I figure that the average male life expectancy is 72, I am 25, so if I keep going at this pace I will run out 180 more times. (That is expecting to be too blind, shaky and stupid that I quit driving at 70) Though I may get run over walking down the road and then life expectancy goes down.

 
This is the carol that I grew up with:

Good King Wenceslas looked out,
On the Feast of Stephen,
When the snow lay round about,
Deep and crisp and even;
Brightly shone the moon that night,
Tho' the frost was cruel,
When a poor man came in sight,
Gath'ring winter fuel.


"Hither, page, and stand by me,
If thou know'st it, telling,
Yonder peasant, who is he?
Where and what his dwelling?"
"Sire, he lives a good league hence,
Underneath the mountain;
Right against the forest fence,
By Saint Agnes' fountain."


"Bring me flesh, and bring me wine,
Bring me pine logs hither:
Thou and I will see him dine,
When we bear them thither."
Page and monarch, forth they went,
Forth they went together;
Thro' the rude wind's wild lament
And the bitter weather.


"Sire, the night is darker now,
And the wind blows stronger;
Fails my heart, I know not how,
I can go no longer."
Mark my footsteps, good my page;
Tread thou in them boldly:
Thou shalt find the winter's rage
Freeze thy blood less coldly."


In his master's steps he trod,
Where the snow lay dinted;
Heat was in the very sod
Which the saint had printed.
Therefore, Christian men, be sure,
Wealth or rank possessing,
Ye who now will bless the poor,
Shall yourselves find blessing.


Friday, December 24, 2004
 
Thoughts on Christmas Songs 2:

"A child, a child, shivers in the cold, let us bring him silver and gold"

Why? wouldn't a blanket be a little more fitting in this situation? Fashion before function, I guess.

 
5 Holiday Procrastination ideas
Ever wondered if the way you lace your shoes was in? check this site out, you will have new ways for the new year!
I'm Bored - 22 Ways to Lace Your Shoes

Is Santa dropping by tonight? Naughty or Nice Quize

Beer Alarm (ad)

Hang Stan Game

Springfield Snow Fight


 
Can I get this for Christmas pleeeeeaaaaaaaaase
You still haven't found the perfect gift for your loved one? why not a Ski Mask? Very "IN" this year.... while you're there, just check out the rest of the blog, they got some funny stuff.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Thursday, December 23, 2004
 
Conversations with Pears X3
Pear:
Jess:
Pear:
Jess:
Pear:
Jess:
Pear: So, why did you bring me here?
Jess:
Pear: Oh and you need to redecorate your apartment. It bores me, and I am a pear.
Jess: OK.
Pear: Bow down bitch.
Jess: I will throw you out the window.
Pear: If you do, aim for those apartments over there, those people seem quite chic.
Jess:
Pear:
Jess:
Pear:
Jess:
Pear:
Jess:
Pear: Are you going to throw me away or not.


Note: Pear is still on counter. I will not comply with a pear's wishes no sir, not today.

 
Conversations with pears X2
Pear:
Jess:
Pear:
Jess:
Pear:
Jess:
Pear:
Jess:
Pear:
Jess:
Pear:
Jess:
Pear:
Jess:

 
Chances are....
I won't post again before, so.... Merry Christmas.

Which reminds me of an old Joke.

Everyone felt merry till Mary went home....

True Conversation
Co-Worker: Jess, Do you like christmas?
Jess: What have you been smoking? Seriously, how come you don't share? Thats fucked up.

I thank all of you. It means a lot.

Much Love,
Jess


 
The Little Tree That Saved Christmas
(a sob story of a sober Christmas)
It was cold, or as cold as Los Angeles gets. There was a heater, but it didn't work, at least not for the intended purpose. It worked more like an intercom system between apartments. We were sleeping on a sofa-bed these days, before it broke in a moment of raw passion a few weeks later. It wasn't comfortable, but it was great because the studio apartment was too small to have a real bed in it anyway. It was before we had witnessed our first drive-by, and after we learned not to say "Hi" to people that we passed on the street. I had never lived anywhere that had bars on the windows before, and I doubt that I ever will again. It was just a reminder that prisons can protect people on the inside, just like they protect people on the outside. All the money that I saved to move had been exhausted between damage deposits and rent and that stupid cat deposit that we found out about, upon arrival, with a truckload of our meager belongings parked illegally in front of the smog-stained white stucco building.
we spent nights on the roof, where Francis would sing in my ear as we looked out over a sea of neon lights and concrete-searching for stars through the light pollution. I worked retail, as I always had, and he was temping as a county clerk for the city of Los Angeles. As the holiday season approached, it was clear that we would not be celebrating. We were buying groceries at the dollar store-which isn't as strange as it sounds, I'm sure, to anyone who has ever been to a dollar store in LA. You can get any Mexican candy that has ever been made, and at the one by our domain (and demise) you can even buy some milk.
I got a little bitter working at the mall this time of year, I just masked it well enough to sell some sucker a 120 dollar gift basket for his mother, or a 15 dollar stocking stuffer for someone's daughter. You see, I have always loved the holidays. Everything about them, and in the height of poverty, they felt so bleak. Not celebrating, hundreds of miles from our families, we were becoming depressed. Mamacita, donde esta santa claus?
Aparently Santa's alias is James and Leisa Torres. After a long day of school and work Francis and I had a package on the doorstep from Francis' dad and step-mom...Only we lived in an apartment so it was really in the front office. We weren't expecting anything, so we were surprised, but Christmas was only a week away-so we weren't too surprised. We ran back to our dirty cold apartment, with the box. It contained the best gift I have ever received, a 3 foot tall little tree and tiny ornaments to go with it. The mood of the season changed entirely. We were actually excited about the corporate holiday that we couldn't really afford. We decorated the tree and even bought a few stockings (from the same dollar store that provided the spaghetti we ate almost every night). We managed to scrounge up a little money for gifts and even wrote out Christmas cards (that we never sent). On Christmas eve Francis snuck out in the middle of the night and got little cute junk to fill my stocking with, so it was ready when I woke up in the morning. This year we are not broke. I bought much better gifts for him and I'm sure he did the same for me. We even have a full-sized tree for the first time- but we have put up the little tree anyway. The little tree gives us the joy, hope, and nostalgia that this season really is about for me. It was the perfect gift at the perfect time. Even without the extravagance that the season usually brings, that little tree single-handedly saved Christmas.

 
Thoughts on Christmas Songs 1:
Dr. Demento's Christmas CD has a very innocent song called "Nuttin for Christmas" I'm sure most people have heard it. Being a little less innocent, and maybe a little immature, the title made me laugh hysterically. I think there should be a song with the same title that goes where my mind went... 'cause we all like sex for Christmas. (just don't tell anyone because I still want diamonds...or maybe just some new Pj's.)

 
Thoughts from the road
Last night while driving to Las Vegas, I was listening to AM radio. The nutty show was a call in show about aliens, crop circles, etc. That made me think.

Are crop circles merely ads for Target? Those marketing people are slick you know? Trust me, I am one.

 
Open letter to Eminem from Arthur Johnson in accounting
Dear Mr. Inem,

I love the song "Encore." I give a shout out to all my people on the left and all my people on the right as well. They be screaming all the time, when I'm in the house.

Why do you wear a stocking cap in July? I tried it, but to be honest I looked right on the hook. My wife is mad at me for trying to be like you. She is always sayin things like "Arthur, you are 52 year old accountant, pull up your pants."

She just don't understand us. You know pimpin aint easy. I now call myself Artie to the Jizzell Dawg. I am straight up tight. I am going to buy a black hoody soon, I think it will help to hide my gut.

Let's get together and maybe bowl a little bit, or scam some trick ass punks, I am ready, just holla dawg, that shit would be clean... Fo Shizzell. Well Doris my wife is coming so I best be checking you later fool. The world is filled with pimps and hoes, Iam just talking about those I knows....

Peace,
Artie to the Jizzell Dawg.


Wednesday, December 22, 2004
 
Viva Las Vegas Bound

I am headed to Las Vegas road trippin for Christmas.  I thought I would leave you all with some road trip music.  Crosstown Traffic  by the Guitar master Jimi Hendrix.  I will check in with you all tonight, but in the interim guest bloggers are provided.


You jump in front of my car when you,
You know all the time that
Ninety miles an hour, girl, is the speed I drive
You tell me it’s alright, you don’t mind a little pain
You say you just want me to take you for a ride



 
The Synchronicity of the Universe
Sometimes things just fit together, placed one after the other in some sort of cosmic order.

I was having a calzone at Wolf Hole Pizza on my lunch break yesterday. When I got back to my car I noticed the bumper sticker on the car next to mine. It said:
Support the Troops
Join the Presidential Prayer Shield
and pray for their protection
It was followed by a phone number and a reference to the 700 Club.

In the form of counseling known as Reality Therapy, the key questions are
What are you doing?

and

How's that working out?
So I wondered to myself, with more than a thousand U.S. troops killed in combat, and thousands more wounded, "How's that old Presidential Prayer Shield working out? The troops would be better off if you would have prayed that we get a president who isn't dumber than dog shit."

I drove back to work and in the parking lot I noticed another bumper sticker. This one said:
You know we're in trouble when our bombs are smarter than our President


Tuesday, December 21, 2004
 
Who'd You Rather?
Sweet! I'm so excited to be a part of another killer blog. (Pardon the Napoleon Dynamite words... I can't help it. I watched it today, and I can't stop talking like him. GOSH!)

So I'm Ginger, and Jess sent me an invite. I've been posting some HOT? or NOT? segments over at Pusillanimous Wankers. Chuck suggested that I do a "Who'd you rather?"

Sounds good to me!

So I think I'll start off with a girl "who'd you rather?" and a guy "who'd you rather?" Note - these won't always be hot! Sometimes we must choose between those who are NOT HOT.

Who'd you rather?

Juliette Lewis OR Julliane Moore

I'd have to go with Juliette because I love her so much.
Although Julianne was fabulous in Boogie Nights.

Rod Stewart OR Paul Rubens

Ew, I don't even want to answer that one. Oddly enough, I'd have to go with Pee Wee, just because Rod makes my stomach turn. He always has. Blech!

So who'd YOU rather?

Because I can, I am going to add the Jess seal approval. If you people do not go see Ginger, you are silly, silly readers. Ginger is a great blogger who still makes me smile. If I lived in Arkansas, had hair, and more charm Bub might be in trouble. So, go see her site, I do, everyday.
Jess

 
An interesting way to spend a Tuesday afternoon...
Yes, I know this is juvenile, so go ahead and lecture me in comments if you want.

If you happen to live in an area which a lot of industrial activity goes on, then you will notice how wide load trucks are escorted by vehicles with flashing lights, to clear the road so to speak. These vehicles belong to truck escort companies, or escorts for short.

Spend a Tuesday afternoon calling all of these companies in your best pervert voice, and asking them about their girls. Example of such conversation below.

Escort Company Lady: Hello XYZ escorts may I help you?
Jess: Hi, yeah, I was wondering about your escorts.

ECL: Yes, like cost, or what?

Jess: Yeah, cost, you know sizes, all that jive.

ECL: Well we start off at...

Jess: Cost doesn't matter really. What are the girls measurements? I want a hot one ya know?

ECL: Pardon me.

Jess: You know sizes and such.

ECL: Huh.

Jess: I am very picky about my girls,. I like brunettes, definetly an ass man.

ECL: I think you are mistaken, we escort trucks.

Jess: I had a truck but the old lady took it in the divorce.

ECL: We do not provide call girls.

Jess: Righto, I am not looking for a call girl I want an escort. You know one that I can take out dancing and the likes, you know foreplay. A call girl just comes strips down and it is over, you know wam bam thank you Sam.

ECL: I think you are mistaken on our services we help transport wide loads.

Jess: Are you saying the girls are heavy set?

ECL:

Jess: Hello

ECL: Are you joking?

Jess: I am as serious as a heart attack.

ECL: I have to go. ( Hangs up)

Jess: Hello, hello.

* A word of advice if you are going to do this block your number so that it does not show up on caller ID*

Yes, I know it is childish but I guess being in the office has bored me to this point, Why not work? Well, I have prank calls to make.


 
So, which one is right?
Day Date Page Loads Unique Visitors First Time Visitors Returning Visitors
Tuesday 21st December 2004 318 169 132 37

VISITS

Total1,080
Average Per Day104
Average Visit Length4:34
Last Hour2
Today139
This Week728

PAGE VIEWS

Total2,363
Average Per Day211
Average Per Visit2.0
Last Hour11
Today268
This Week1,475
Plus 16,360 visitors before joining Site Meter on December 11, 2004

Where are the 30 visitors that Statcounter had but not sitemeter? I don't get it, do you?




 
Blog awards
Any bloggers you know need an award. Nominate them for the BoB awards. HINT HINT

 
Random thoughts
Have you ever met a yoga instructor named Bill, or Sue? Me either. I am off to yoga with Daria and her assistant Finneous. I could not make this stuff up if I tried.

 
Out Where the Busses Don't Run
Digby has noticed ChiristianExodus.org, which is advocating that thousands of Christians should move to South Carolina and take over the government there.

The rationale is that, despite having a "Christian" president, a "Christian" attorney general, and a "Republican Congress and Supreme Court," they still feel persecuted (which I suppose means they haven't been able to set up some kind of totalitarian theocracy -- that pesky Constitution keeps getting in the way.

Not sure how they selected South Carolina. Maybe they have fond memories of the Confederate artillery firing on the U.S. Army garrison at Fort Sumter. The snarky side of me wonders if somebody might be hoping to do a little real estate business.


I'm reminded of a song that Charlie Daniels doesn't sing much anymore, or at least not the way he did before he sold his soul to the Radical Wrong:
Preacher man talkin' on the TV
Puttin' down the Rock and Roll
Wants me to send a donation
'cause he's worried about my soul
He said "Jesus walked on the water"
and I know that it's true
But sometimes I think that preacher man
would like to do a little walking, too
There are, of course, lots of progressives who would love to see the fundies in their state move to the low country of South Carolina. Think of the fun when the polar ice caps melt and the ocean starts to take over . . .

As Jackson Browne sang:

You can hold on steady
and try and be ready
but everybody's gonna get wet
Don't think it won't happen
just because it hasn't happened yet

Bumped by Jess cuz I can.



 
If you wonder why I hate christmas shopping...
Read this. You will wonder no more. Besides commercialization of Christmas in general sucks. When people get fed up with this, the marketing geniuses will come up with an Easter season, ick.

 
Holiday cheer
Whether I agree with Mr. Teach's politics or not, he did a remarkable job decorating his weblog for the Christmas season.

Go give him and his decorations some LOSLI love. I think Teach is an alright guy, so go see him.



Really, what are you doing here still?

 
Conversations with clerks X7
I was at Sam's buying some stuff for work and ran into my nemesis again. (I'd recommend you read the link first to get this.)

Jess: Hello Carole.( In a voice similar to the one Seinfeld used to greet the mailman Newman with.)
Carole: Hello Jess
Jess: See, my Sam's card is good enough for you to know me as when alcohol is not involved. Double standards. Mmm mmm mmm. Not good.
Carole: Are you ever going to let that go?
Jess: Not for a while.
Carole:
Jess:
Carole:
Jess:
Carole:
Jess:
Carole: your total comes to $122.97
Jess: leave it on my Sam's card.
Carole: Have a nice day.
Jess: Right.

I then proceeded out to the parking lot, was walking through the lot when some jackass backed into me, then saw what he had done and sped off. Have I told you lately how much I hate this pre-Christmas bullshit?


 
More fun from myth
It is an imprtant and popular fact that things are not always what they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, men had always assumed that he was more intelligent the dolphins because he had achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars, and so on -- whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were fare more intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.

 
More fun from myth
Bacchus, n.:
A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.

Monday, December 20, 2004
 
Top Secret
Only known copy in existence of transcript of Dubya's Christmas card to Dick Cheney. My whitehouse sources came through, I knew mailing Gin and Juice or Jenna and not Jenna that care package full of Jim Beam would pay off.


Dear Dickey,
Marry Christmas. I want to thank you for your help during the relection. I couldn't have done it without you. What a great year, we get to stay in the Whitehouse, yee haw. Hey Dickey, can we put some cattle in at the whitehouse? I notice some of those bloggers are calling me an oilstore cowboy, I figgered that if I had some cows it would shut those liberals up. They probly were supporters of Howard Deen.

We are the true, true believers. Can I get a woop woop? I finally got around to reading Lynne's book, I like hot lesbian action. I hid it uder the tiles in my office so that Laura would not find it, she might be paying a few more visits to Lynne if you know what I mean. I did not want to give her iny ideas. I like lesbians, Mary and her friend are cool, but it's the boy on boy action that scares me.

Ken Mehlman, excepted of course.

Merry Christmas
Dubya (A true believer, not sure what I am believing in but I believe anyway, just like you and daddy told me to do.)


 
Conversation with blogger template
Me: You are a real emm eff er.
Blogger template:
Jess:
Blogger template:
Jess:
Blogger template:
Jess: Why do you mess with me?
Blgger template:
Jess:
Blogger template:
Jess:
Blogger template:
Jess:
Blogger template: You are not an html writer are you?
Jess: Go to hell. Quit taunting me.

 
Bah effing humbug X2....
If you are the parent of a young child, and you find a way to make them cry, by saying something like "We are going to Salt Lake, yay." Do not walk around the store saying it repeatedly. Then when you are in line, and a lowly blogger is standing behind you to check out, do not lift the kid to eye level, and ask "are you ready to go to Salt Lake City City?" This puts the screams right into my ear. Do not repeat the message then giggle.

I know it is funny shit, but some of us do not see the humor that you do in this joke.

Update* I guess I should not talk about parenting being that I am not one, but making a kid cry for fun is not my kind of entertainment.

 
Bah effing humbug....
If you manage the talent for a mall, or hire Santas and such, please do not hire some strange red headed guy to play the piano. If you do, please encourage the piano playing weirdo not to scream out to passerbyers that they are scroogish and to "turn that frown upside down." He tends to piss customers off, or at least this one.

* Update, I am sure that he is a nice enough fellow, but damn boy, tune that shit down.

 
Jess' blog awards
New stuff below, this is just fun to leave up for a while.

*****************************************
Best group blog

The All Spin Zone
*****************************************
Best Liberal Blog

Atrios
*****************************************
Best Conservative Blog

The American War Monger
******************************************
Best Humor Blog as voted by you

Opinions You Should Have. - Always right on, sometimes his satire is sadly accurate.
******************************************
Best letters to public figures

Jesus' General
******************************************
Best Scenes from driveway

Protein Wisdom
*******************************************
Best confessions

A New York Escort's Confessions
********************************************
Best Former Soldier blog

Rainstorm
********************************************
Best community

Pusillanimous Wankers
*********************************************
Best Teacher Blog

Mr. Babylon
*********************************************
Best analysis

The American Street
*********************************************
Best junk drawer (Meaning a little bit of everything)

Will's 4223
*********************************************
Best Colorado Coverage plus

Makes Me Ralph
*********************************************
Best New Mexico Coverage plus

NewMexiKen
*********************************************
Best Illinois Coverage plus

That Colored Fella
*********************************************
Best undiscovered blog (tie) Thanks to Avedon for the suggs.)

m-pyre, everythings ruined, The Corpsucle
**********************************************
Best Pissed-off Progressive

Rook's Rant
***********************************************
Best New England Blogger

Tea for One
***********************************************
Best at helping Jess to understand women

Born Under a Fire Sign
************************************************
Best Art

Erica's Art
*************************************************
Bloggers that I miss

Colorado Luis and Billmon
************************************************
Best Limericks

Mad Kane
************************************************
Best not to read while drinking

The Sideshow
************************************************
Best French Canadian

Today's Reality
************************************************
Blogger that would be the most fun to have a cup of coffee with

A Sweet and Somber Fairy Tale
************************************************
Best Cyber Mama

Bad Penny
************************************************
Best Name

Burst Transmission
************************************************
Best Christmas Decorations

Pirates Cove
************************************************
Best Dressed

Hot Abercrombie Chick
*************************************************
Best Californication (Meant in a very good way)

Skippy
**************************************************
Best Snark

T-Bogg
**************************************************
Best Biologist

Of Horses and Hell
**************************************************
Best Native American Blog

Beats Per Minute
****************************************************
Best Blogging Bloke

The Aardvark
****************************************************
Best Bitchin'

Blondesense
****************************************************
Best Blogger Jess is still trying to get

Ayn Clouter
****************************************************
Best City Blogger

Quirky Burque
****************************************************
Best Movie Blog

Drew's Blog O'Rama
****************************************************
Blogger who would be the most fun to party with

Drew Curtis of Fark
*****************************************************
Best Blog Design

The Hedgeblog
*****************************************************
Blogger I dreamt about the other night (Yes, I know it is weird)

Erica Unwinding
*****************************************************
Best Place to find silly sights of the day

Pen Elayne
*****************************************************
Best Single Issue Blog

Democracy for New Mexico
*****************************************************
Proof that Some Texans have Sense

Stout Dem Blog
*****************************************************
Best Hip Hop Culture Blog

Doctor Robert
*****************************************************
Best Blogger Still Deciding what to Blog

Just the Facts Ma'am (Redux)
*****************************************************
Best South African Blog

Way South
*****************************************************
Best Election Coverage

The Daily Kos
*****************************************************
If you are on my list and do not like it, let me know and I will take you off. Also, if you won an award, and are not on my blogroll you will be soon. I am trying to figure out how to restructure my blogroll.

UPDATE** Blogroll is done, whadaya think?







 
A big thanks to..........
Guy from Rook's Rant, he inspired me to get off my ass and talk a little more about politics. This blog was conceived as a liberal blog, yet I seem to have forgotten that. Hey, we can be funny liberals, and liberals still have to talk to clerks.

*Update, no we are not going back to political blogging full time, we may just throw one in occasionally.

 
Conversations with George W. Bush's cowboy hat
Me: Wow, so you are the hat he wears when he wants to look tough.
Hat:
Me: Are you scowling at me?
Hat:
Me: Where did he buy you?
Hat:
Me: Cold shoulder eh?
Hat:
Me: Do you like Crawford?
Hat:
Me: Is it true that you were purchased in an oil store?
Hat: Huh?
Me: You know they call Bush the "oil store cowboy?"
Hat: Listen man, I am custom made for him, they don't make hats like me every day.
Me: A little touchy today eh?
Hat: Are you leaving yet?
Me: I can tell when I am not welcome. I thought your man was uniter.
Hat: Only idiots listen to Karl Rove.
Me: Your man does though, right?
Hat: Hence the point, fuck face.

Inspiration from DFNM*


 
Conversations with a pear.
Me:
Pear:
Me:
Pear:
Me: What are you staring at? Back the eff up.
Pear:
Me: I am only going to warn you once, then I am going to take a bite out of your ass.
Pear:
Me:
Pear:
Me: Alright its on, now.
Pear: You must be bored out of your mind you are talking to a fucking pear.

Hat tip Protein Wisdom *

 
Waaaaaz uuuuup?
I occasionally get calls from my direlict friends that start out that way. Usually I have nothing great to offer in return, say nuuuuuuuuthing just does not have the same effect. Just a thought.

 
Joke of the day
Cajun Christmas for the boys and girls that have spent a little time in tha swamps...

Day 1: Dear Boudreaux, Thanks for de bird in de Pear tree. I fix it las' night with dirty rice. I doan tink de pear tree will grow in de swamp, so I swap it for a Satsuma.

Day 2: Dear Boudreaux, You letter say you sent two turtle doves, but all I got was two scrawny pigeons. Anyway, I mixed dem with andouille an made some gumbo out of dem.

Day 3: Dear Boudreaux, Why doan you sent some crawfish? I'm tired of Eating dem darn birds. I gave two of dose prissy French chickens to Marie Trahan over at Grans Bayou an fed the tird one to my dog Phideaux. Marie needed some sparing partners for her fighting rooster.

Day 4: Dear Boudreaux, Mon Dieux! I tol you no more birds. Deez four, What you call dem "calling birds" were so noisy you could hear dem all de way to Napoleonville. I used dere necks for my crab traps, an fed de rest of dem to de gators.

Day 5: Dear Boudreaux, You finally sen' somethin useful. I like dem Golden rings, me. I hocked dem at da pawn shop in Thibodeaux and got enuf money to fix da shaft on my shrimp boat An buy a round for da boys at de Raisin' Cane Lounge. Merci Beaucoup!

Day 6: Dear Boudreaux, Couchon! Back to da birds, you turkey! Poor egg suckin' Phideaux is scared to death at dem six gaeases. He tried to eat dems eggs and dey peck de heck out ah his snout. Dey good at eating cockroaches, though. I may stuff one of dem wit erster dressing on
Christmas day.

Day 7: Dear Boudreaux, I'm gonna wring your fool neck next time I see you. Thibeau, da mailman, is ready to kill ya. The merde from all dem birds is stinkin' up his mailboat. He afraid someone will slip on dat stuff and sue him good. I let those seven swans loose to swim on de bayou and some duck hunters from Mississippi blasted dem out of de water. Talk to you
tomorrow.

Day 8: Dear Boudreaux, poor ole Thibeau, he had to make tree trips on his mailboat to deliver dem 8 maids a milkin and their cows. One of dem cows got spooked by da alligators and almost tipped over da boat. I doan like dem shiftless maids, me no. I tolt dem to get to work guttin fish and sweepinq the shack but dey say it wasn't in dair contract. Dey probably think dey too good ta skin nutrias I caught las night.

Day 9: Dear Boudreaux, What you trying to do huh? Thibeau had to borrow The Lutcher ferry to carry dem jumpin twits you call Lords-a-Leaping across the bayou. As soon as dey gots here dey wanted a tea break with crumpets. I doan know what dat means but I says, *Well La Di Da. You get Chicory coffee or nuttin. * Mon Dieu, Emile. What I'm gonna feed all dese bozos?
Dey to snooty for fried nutria, and de cows done eat my turnip greens.

Day 10: Dear Boudreaux, You got to be outs you mind! If de mailman don't kill you, I will fo sure. Today he deliver 10 half nikid floozies from Bourbon Street. Dey said dey be *Ladies Dancin* but dey doan act like ladies in front of dose Limey twits. Dey almos left after one of dem got bit by a water moccasin over by da out-house. I had to butcher 2 cows to
feed toute le monde an had to get toilet paper. The Sears catalog wasn't good enuf fer dose hoity toity Lords.

Day 11: Dear Boudreaux, where y'at? Cheerio an pip pip. Your 11 pipers piping arrives today from the House of Blues, second lining as dey got off de boat. We fixed snuffed goose and beef jambalaya, finished da whiskey and we having a fais-do-do. Da new mailman he drink a bottle of Jack Daniel an he having a good time yeah dancing with de floozies. Thibeau he jump off
de Sunshine Bridge yesterday, screaming your name. If you get a mysterious, ticking package in de mail, doan open it.

Day 12: Dear Boudreaux, I sorry to tell ya but I not your true love anymore, no. After da fais-do-do, I spent de night with Jacque, de head piper. We decide to open a restaurant and gentleman's club on de bayou. The Ladies dancing can make $20 for a dance, and de Lords can be waiters an valet park de boats. Since de maids doan have no more cows ta milk, I trained dem ta set my crab traps, watch my trotlines, an run my shrimping business. We will probably gross a million clams NEX year.

 
What is LOSLI?
I figured with all of this extra traffic we are getting as of lately, I would explain this blog to all of you. LOSLI is the acronym for Life or Something Like it. I guess I am google whore and wanted to be first, on search results so that is how the name came into existence.

How big of a blog are we?
Well according to one of my counters we average 150 unique visitors a day. According to the other one it is 100.

Why not cover more topics?
We have a lot of fun, sometimes we talk about politricks, sometimes we have conversations with clerks. We cover what we want to, not what we have to. I do not have press credentials nor do I want them. I talk about what interests me.

Rock Band
John-Paul from everythings ruined got me thinking. He asked if his blog was like REM before they released Document. Well, I guess we are kinda like the highschool garage band. We make a lot of noise until our big brother unplugs our amps.

Honors
Ralph called us "The best blog to read while drinking" We have been called funny but, who knows, we are who we are.



Sunday, December 19, 2004
 
Erica talks to people too...every now and then...
Yesterday I was buying a Christmas gift for my step-dad, and this is the conversation that ensued:
Girl Behind Us in Line: What is that?
Francis: Ganesh, it is a Hindu god.
...20 seconds of silence...
Girl: How can you worship that thing?
Girl: Don't you just believe in god?
Francis: That's a can of worms that you just don't want to open.
Erica (me): I agree
Clerk: Yeah, I believe what I believe
Erica: exactly
Erica: Besides, it isn't about worshiping this, it is a gift, and it is about appreciating other cultures
(pause)
Erica: Unfortunately Savannah can be a bit uncultured at times.
Then we left. I'm sure we were talked about. Oh well.

 
Any HTML writers out there?
I need some help. E-mail me or leave a note in comments and I will explain my questions. That blogger groupie tail that I will throw your way... off the hook.

FYI for all my non humorous readers that was a joke. I couldn't get laid on college night with a platinum credit card.

 
Thought of the day....
Bush says he runs the country like a CEO runs a company, if that is the case he runs it about like Robert Nardelli has since taking over The Home Depot. Stocks down about 70%.

Bushco or Acme, Inc. as I will now call them have the dollar headed that direction.

 
Conversations with clerks X6
Yesterday I received a phone call from a friend of mine, asking me to come to a party. I said "Great, what can I bring?" He said "how about some Tequila for margaritas?" I said, "I got you covered." So, I pull into the local Sam's Club known from this point forward as Deformed Cousin of Wal Mart.

For those of you who are not familiar with the Sam's club concept I will briefly explain. Sam's is the wholesale warehouse division of Wal Mart. They charge an annual fee to have the privelge of shopping in a warehouse. I personally never would join on my own because I think it is asinine for stores to charge people a fee to shop or be a member of the club. My thinking has always been that stores ought to pay us to join them by having lower prices, better service, etc. But I digress. The company I work for I guess as an "perk" gives all managers Deformed Cousin of Wal Mart memberships.

I walk into Sam's get a cart, show my card, (which, I might mention has my photograph on it) walk to the liquor department pick up the tequila, and some whiskey just in case. I walk to the check out, look at all lines and make Jess' mistake # 1, instead of my usual go find the hottest cashier, I went to the shortest line. Working that register was a 40ish blonde who had a power hungry look on her face. The following conversation ensued.

Sam's Clerk: Can I see your Sam's card and ID?
Jess: Yes, here it is.
SC: (Looking at drivers license then starts peeling at it.) I can't sell you alcohol with this ID.
Jess: You're joking right?
SC: No, I do not joke about such manners as alcohol sales.
Jess: Why not sell it to me?
SC: It is peeling apart here, you could tamper with the picture.
Jess: (Looking at driver's license, which expires in February) Ma'am it was good enough to get this Sam's club card issued to me, but not good enough to buy alcohol? That does not make sense.
SC: Well, I am not going to accept it.
Jess: (A little frustrated) Ma'am, I believe a fake ID maker would have done far better than this. I hear those guys take a lot of pride in their work. This is falling apart it must be a government made one.
SC: I will not sell alcohol to you, your ID card does not appear to be valid.
Jess: Well it was good enough for the Arizona State Patrol last week, when they stopped me for speeding.
SC: Sir, I am sure it is valid but I won't sell to anyone who I can peel their driver's license apart.
Jess: Fine, can I speak to your manager, it amazes me that you all have double standards on your photo identification process.
SC: I am the manager.
Jess: No way, really?
SC: Does this surprise you?
Jess: Naw, I guess I kinda saw it coming. Where did you get your management training?
SC: Well, I used to work at Baskin Robbins.
Jess: Well, I guess have a nice day.
SC: Look, I am sorry, but I can't sell you alcohol with a driver's license like that.
Jess: That is fine, I will buy it other places. Ma'am have you checked your driver's license lately?
SC: For what?
Jess: Peeling of course.

All this could have been avoided had I just gone through Kelley's (The brunette I bought from the other day) lane. No more shortcuts for me. I bought the alcohol at Walgreen's where they love me.


 
Will's Law #023
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

Friday, December 17, 2004
 
Question of the day
Have you ever been to a cabaret, a place that hosts exotic dancers, or as some of you know them strip clubs.

My answer. Yes, I am in a business which I entertain a lot of people, and strip clubs are not a rare occurence.

Where have I been to them? Where to start the list.

Phoenix - Probably my favorite.
Houston - Nuff said
Dallas - umm hmm
Ft. Worth - yup
Little Rock - yes indeed
Denver - Diamond is still better than Shotgun Willie's
Las Vegas - wow
Mobile, Alabama - They stay open till 4 am.
Orlando - It's not all mouse ears.
Salt Lake City - Yes indeed.
Seattle - uh yah.

Lets hear about it.

 
Hmm....
I guess I tend to obsess over things. One of these things is blogging as of lately. Last night I even had a dream about blogging and commenters. Holy hell, Jess must need to get back on the road.

 
I'm out of here...
So, I'm going on a road trip with my little family to lovely Phoenix, AZ for christmas. We're leaving tomorrow morning sometime. The last road trip was 10 years ago and somewhat miserable. My mother, the genius that she is, also insisted on bringing the dog this time.

I'm sure I'll have great moments to share upon my return.

In the meantime... happy holidays (could I be more PC?) and be good to each other.



 
Best line of the day so far....
Why not go all the way?

From Mad Kane

Silly Thought of the Day: Since we now know that laptops can cause male infertility, will "pro-lifers" lobby to have them banned?


 
Accepting suggestions
I have decided to give some of our favorite blogs with a little recognition. I hereby announce Jess' 2004 Blog Awards. Are you a blogger? Do you want an award? Do you know any bloggers that deserve more recognition? Let me know in comments.

 
A good rule of thumb X3
If you decide to text message me, in a crowded place saying "I C U" Please elaborate on your identity. Perhaps you could make the same message "I C U it's ______" Insert yout name on the blank. Otherwise you get me to look around like I am really stupid trying to figure out who I know.

Update*
Yes, I know I could call the number but, why?

 
Drop it like its hard, drop it like its hard.
Vernon ponders holidays, running and parties.

Nick worries about staples.

If I had a hot tub party I would invite Pika.

I am getting jealous, it appears as if Chuck is writing a book as well.

Go rename cyber mama Penny's blog.

Man vs. Sperm?

My kind of accountant.

Digging to Australia?

Pro Cra Sti Nat Ion

My kind of diet

Zipties

Contract to join a gang



 
All along the watchtower....
Or political blogroll if you will.....

Travis has written a book

NewMexiKen tells about the 4 stages of our lives and how Christmas plays a part in all.

Ralph is serious about Freudenthall for pres.

Over at the ASZ, Richard Cranium asks.... Where's Martha Stewart when we need her most?

Charlie opens a can of worms...nuff said.

Mad Kane still cracks me up...

Will makes me want to go to France.

Ayn Clouter informs us of Zell Miller's new employ.


 
Why?
I recieved an e-mail from a long time reader of LOSLI, thanking me for bringing the group blog concept here. She also asked how I found such a fun group. In case any of the rest of you are wondering what I look for in a blogger, here it is.

Wit.
Simple wit, make me smile and you are golden.

Profound.
Makes me think.

Example here

Thursday, December 16, 2004
 
Boobies for Peace
A bouncing good time. Follow the link, then start clicking the days of the month.

 
Ausies and Beer
Rule of Thumb number 499: Alcohol and power tools are a bad combination.

Via I Hate My Cubicle, according to The West Australian:
A 21-year-old Perth man is lucky to be alive after having his stomach ripped open during a beer-skolling game using a home-made device powered by an electric pump.

The drinking game at a 21st birthday party in a southern suburb 10 days ago went badly wrong, rupturing the man's stomach and forcing beer straight into his abdomen.

The man, who is in St John of God Hospital in Murdoch and spent a week in intensive care fighting for his life, was among a group of friends at a private party who used the device.

It is believed to have consisted of a helmet fitted with a jug from which a hose was attached to a pump that was powered by a power drill.

Another hose from the pump was placed in his mouth and the pump was switched on, pushing beer from the jug down his throat.

The man, a mechanical drafter who did not want his name published, said yesterday that about six other party-goers had used the "jug helmet" before him.

"No one else had any problems and I didn't think it would be any different to other things like funnels that people use," he said.

"But I knew something wasn't right soon after I drank from it. I started spewing up red stuff and was in a lot of pain."

Although he has little memory of the next few days, friends took the man to the Murdoch hospital's emergency department where staff originally thought he was just drunk. When his friends told about the skolling device doctors suspected something was seriously wrong.

The man underwent urgent surgery to repair a 10cm tear and was then on life support for a week.
Okay then. When you're heading out for a bit of holiday cheer in the coming weeks, remember -- stay away from power tools.

 
Ways to mess with co-workers
Find a particularly conservative person at your office, make sure that they are out for a bit, place sticky note on their monitor "Note to self: Check sodomy laws in_____"

You fill the blank in with where ever they are going for the holidays.

The reactions they have are quite entertaining. Everything from quiet crumpling to screaming to google(ing.) I know it is mean but I guess I am bored. Besides ,I still hear a rash of shit about "my man" Kerry losing the election.

 
Should have stayed in the spice rack....

Originally my mother was Spanish, then she became a Jehovah's Witness."

--Geri Halliwell (Ginger Spice)



 
Pistachios... anyone?
No wonder people gain 10 pounds at the holidays. It isn’t the huge meals we eat in celebration… it’s the plethora of snack foods that pop up around the office.

Earlier I ran across a gigantic bag of pistachios and quickly took a handful back to my desk for consumption. I was mildly disturbed however when I discovered that each pistachio had been stamped on the shell with the initials of the company that had gifted them to us. Imagine if you will… just how many bags they had made. Seems a little excessive to me and I sort of wonder about the person that came up with the idea. I wonder how big the personalized pistachio market really is.


 
A good indicator.....
.....That you are probably hung over, when you absent mindedly try to unlock your office with your car's keyless entry clicker.

Not much for posts today from me, I am going to make the best of my college education.... I am going to deliver food trays to customers.

You kids behave.

 
French quote of the day
"on ne voit bien qu'avec le coeur.
L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux."

"It is only with one's heart that one can see clearly.
What is essential is invisible to the eye."
Antoine de Saint-Exupery
Le petit prince

Tuesday, December 14, 2004
 
A good rule of thumb to go by X2
If you own or manage a gym or fitness facility, hire physically fit people. I am not saying that I could not stand to lose 10 pounds, but my goodness when the new clerk weighs in at 350, it does not set a good example.

 
Say hello to....
Beats Per Minute

Vernon is a Navajo blogger that now lives in New Orleans. I am sure there are other Navajo Bloggers but I have not found them, he writes poetry, runs and used to be from our part of flyover country. Stop by and give him some LOSLI love.

 
Conversations with clerks X5
Clerk: Are you looking for something?
Jess: Yes, whiskey
Clerk: It is only noon, a tad early don't you think?
Jess: Unless I am wrong, the law states that I can buy it from 7:00 am on.
Clerk: Yes, but it is a beautiful day, why do you need whiskey?
Jess: Lady, are you sure that it is mine? For all you know I could be buying it for other people.
Clerk: Not kids I hope.
Jess: Madame with all due respect how many kids do you know that like Crown Royal?
Clerk: None, but I have never asked.
Jess: The kids I buy for prefer Jim Beam.
Clerk: Are you serious?
Jess: Yes, one kid I know likes scotch but he is kind of weird.
Clerk: How so?
Jess: All his class mates told me, you know how those fourth graders gossip?
Clerk: (obviously confused silence)
Jess: Where is your Crown again?
Clerk: (Points to a display of Crown Royal gift sets.)
Jess: Thanks

The idiocy of this whole conversation was that I was buying whiskey for some customers of mine as Holiday presents, maybe I am an ass but I did not feel a need to justify my actions to her.

I really believe that she thinks I buy kids Jim Beam.

One less liquor store for Jess. Oh well.

 
News

They say that "Dog Bites Man" is not news because it is common, so reporters should be looking for "Man Bites Dog" stories that will hold the public's interest.

I'd say this qualifies, wouldn't you?


 
A good rule of thumb to go by....
If you by happen chance had two (2) extra marital affairs at the same time,(especially one with Judith Regan, ick.) a strange nanny story, and just a weird demeanor you probably should not lobby your former boss, the president's friend for a political appointment.

Mr. Kerik, think about this shit.



 
Pretty Cool
Want to learn how to type Navajo? If so, then Here is your answer. Pretty Cool though huh?

This story is a little more on the personal interest side to me, because I live near Navajo land.

Thanks to Ralph for the link.

Monday, December 13, 2004
 
Will's Law #114
The good die young because they see it's no use living if you've got to be good.

 
Will's Law #334
When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably something his wife/girlfriend can beat him at.

 
Please, just don't talk to me...
After eating mass amounts of steak and potatoes on Sunday, the boyfriend and I went back to his truck (yes, he's a trucker and I'm becoming a redneck). I had driven to dinner because The Texas Roadhouse probably wouldn't look highly on an 80 foot vehicle parked in their lot. Anyway... once we returned to the truck stop we took a detour inside to use the facilities... and that's when it happened. I encountered a crazy lady in the bathroom.

Bathrooms freak me out… and not even for the obvious germ issues. They freak me out because people insist on talking to me in there. Why? I don’t need to have a conversation while I’m peeing. End of story.

Before I went in I noticed this questionable looking group of folks playing with some sort of dancing animal. I notice weird shit okay… leave me alone. At any rate I’m in my stall minding my own business when I hear the door open and this woman talking. At first I thought she was talking to a companion but I quickly figured out that she was talking to herself. Um okay… we all do that from time to time. Not a biggie.

She gets comfortable right next to me (another pet peeve… there are 50 stalls in there. You can’t give me some space?) and then proceeds to start talking about this dancing dog in the lobby and I realized this woman was in fact talking to me. I can see the reflection of her hands vaguely in the stall doors because they were brushed steel and she was actually gesturing while asking me if I’d seen the damn thing. I managed to mumble some unintelligible negative response all the while thinking, “Man, I’m having enough trouble maintaining a decent hover over the toilet without worrying about having a conversation with you”.

We ended up at the sinks together and she acted as if I wasn’t even there. I even went so far as to say hi to her thinking I’d make up for my response whilst in the stall. No reaction and she seemed to look right through me. The lights were not on upstairs at that point. Grrrreeeeaaaat…. And that lady is driving a truck. Wonderful.

Have I mentioned I’m a little neurotic about public bathrooms?

 
A pirate walks into a bar . . .
A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Dude, you look terrible. What happened?"

The pirate says, "Well you know, just the usual pirate stuff."

The bartender says, "But the last time I saw you, you looked fine. Now you've got a peg leg, a hook on one arm, and a patch over your eye."

The pirate says, "Well we were in this big battle. A cannon ball came across the bow and took my leg off, just below the knee. But the surgeon did a great job, stopped the bleeding, saved my life, then later he fixed me up with this peg leg."

The bartender says, "And what about your arm?"

"It was another battle. We boarded a ship. In the midst of a big sword fight my arm got sliced off just below the elbow. But again, the surgeon did a great job, stopped the bleeding, saved my life, and later on he fixed me up with this hook."

"Wow," says the bartender. "And what happened to your eye?"

"Well," says the pirate, "we were out at sea. These sea gulls flew overhead, and I made the mistake of looking up."

"Oh come on," says the bartender. "A little bird shit couldn't have done that much damage."

"No," says the pirate, "but I hadn't really gotten used to having the hook, yet."

 
You Probably Don't Know me, and that's probably just as well
My thanks to Jess for inviting me to sit in. When he says that I play the guitar like no other, you should take that to mean that no one would play the guitar in public the way I do. But I appreciate his kindness, just the same. He used to hear me play when he was young and impressionable, so maybe that explains it.

I do write Rain Storm, a blog that lists considerably to port (or leans to the left, for those of you who haven't spent much time at sea). I'm an old soldier who occasionally reads the casualty lists from Iraq, hoping I won't see any old friends listed, or younger soldiers that I trained not too many years ago.

I'll do my best to keep my political rants over at Rain Storm, and use LOSLI for humor and human interest posts.

More soon. Hasta.



 
Hmm. Just one hmm.
When I first started this blog it was called Politics, Progress, and Protectionism, My readership consisted of one, and I have a sneaking suspicion that was myself. Soon the blog became Life or Something Like it, then the stories changed from a political to a more fun tune, sure we all knew that the politics of the world were screwed up, but we all still needed a good laugh, so that is why we are who we are today.

A few days back after feeling much blogger burnout, I sent out invitations for other bloggers to join LOSLI. All invitations except for one have been accepted. Now, it looks as though we have more team members tham I did readers in the first week. Ya gotta love that.

So, without further ado, I would like to introduce you all to the bloggers that together will shape LOSLI.

Our blogfather. The one who inspired this blog. Proudly blogging just about whatever he feels like, I give you Travis. Travis is the author of the blog, Rainstorm, a rural western extended family member of mine, who can also play guitar like no other.

What can I say about Jenn, or Rue, as she blogs under? I don't know. Her blog Born Under a Fire Sign helps an idiotic single guy to capture a woman's thoughts, if only for a second. Jenn, what can I say you had me from hello. She put me to shame on her PSA's and I am sure that I will again draw attention to my cube at the widget factory by laughing out loud at her next post.

We have the original wanker, and by god, we are not letting him stay on hiatus too long. You all know Charlie. Hell, he barely needs an introduction, but in my best gameshow announcers voice: here's Charlie.

Erica, my little Georgia Peach. How could you not love the sweetness mixed with a little bit of New Mexico Green chili. Muy Caliente.

In this world there are very few solid rocks. Will just happens to be one, solid as a stone, funny as hell, and ladies he is single. Damn, I am even starting to scare myself with these.

Ms. Rea, how can we not love a french canadian who teaches. The simple answer is it is impossible. So, everybody give a big LOSLI welcome to Rea.

You all know the LA Lady. How could you not? Smart, sexy and she gives me the time of day. How do you beat that? Not with a stick.



Sunday, December 12, 2004
 
Overheard
Man: I guess J-Lo is going to get another divorce.
Woman: Why do you say that?
Man: She is better than a whore though, at least she marries them.
Woman: My dad used to say that about Elizabeth Taylor.
Man: Sounds like your dad has more sense then I gave him credit for.
Woman: Hey, I love my dad.
Man: I love J-Lo's ghetto booty (Starts doing a dance, shaking his ass)
Clerk: Are you ready to pay or are you going to dance all night?
Woman: He can be a real moron.
Man: Thanks for your vote of confidence honey.
Woman: Just pay.
Man: Yes, HONEY.

 

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Conversations with a former coworker
I AM NOT BACK..... NO WAY. JUST PULLING A THIEF IN THE NIGHT TYPE OF THING, HERE THEN GONE.

Thanks again to everyone. I have to say the other bloggers are kicking ass, so I doubt that I will post again for a while. Rue has put me to shame on PSA's , their are two more that haven't posted yet that I think you all will like.

I saw this guy at a store in town. He was always weird but appears to have gotten even weirder. We will call him Bob.

Bob - How's life amigo?
Jess- I'm aight.
Bob - You seem down.
Jess- I think I am just about burned out. I am tired of babysitting adults. Would someone tell these 50 year old men that they are not in High School anymore.
Bob - Ah, I see. You look tense man, you look tense. You have a distance off on your eyes, like I have never seen before.
Jess - This time of the year is not my favorite.
Bob - What you really need right now, is to get laid. You know bang the hell out of some girl.
Jess - (Laughing) Alright I will keep that in mind.
Bob - Do you have time to sit down and talk?
Jess- Where?
Bob - Over in the cafe. (Gesturing with his head toward cafe)
Jess - (While walking toward cafe) How has the world been treating you?
Bob - Good, man. I just keep getting older.
Jess - I know the feeling.
Bob- (Upon arrival at the cafe) Have a seat.
Jess - Thanks.
Bob - I was serious when I told you about sex. I started when I was six and have not stopped. I never get stressed.
Jess - Wow, six. That's awfully young.
Bob - Yeah, I grew up as a farm kid in Missouri. We all started young with the humping.
Jess - Did you just call it humping?
Bob - Yeah. I did.
Jess- Just checking.
Bob - When I first started the little neighbor girl would give me fried chicken thighs to have sex with her.
Jess - You must really like that chicken eh?
Bob - Yeah, it is my favorite.
Jess - I can see why. If I had prostituted myself out for something I would probably like it too.
Bob - Yeah, those were the good old days. Now I am 58 and hardly get my wife to fry chicken for me at all.
Jess - Maybe you should learn then you could have fried chicken whenever you wanted.
Bob - No thanks. I don't cook, besides if you have plucked a chicken you don't ever want to see a raw one again.
Jess - OK, well I have to go.
Bob - If you get desperate for sex I can fix you up with a couple of ladies.
Jess - Bob, with all due respect, I would not sleep with anyone that allowed you near them. My god man, you just admitted that you prostitute yourself out for chicken. You probably have every kind of rea, from ghannarea to diarrhea. You are crazy, man. You have lost your fucking mind. I thought I had, until I saw you.
Bob - Jess, please don't go. Lets catch up.
Jess- The world is nuts. I give up.
Bob - Is your cell phone number the same?
Jess - (As I walk out the door) Yea, it is.

Dear god. This guy has lost it. The last time I saw him before this, was when he was driving down the road topless in February of last year. He is a bit eccentric.


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