Wednesday, December 29, 2004
How not to settle a land dispute "western" style
I received a collect call at home the other night from the jail. It was a former coworker of mine begging me to bail him out.
Me: Before I bail you out I need to know the offense.
Him: Well umm.
Him: Well I....
Me: You what?
Him: I was arrested.
Me: No shit, is that how you got to jail?
Me: For what dumbass?
Him: Well, I would prefer not to talk about it now.
Me: Your decision, big shooter. I am not going to bail you out without knowing the offense.
Him: Well um.
Me: I am listening.
Him: I had a little land dispute with my neighbor and it got western.
Me: How western? Shots fired?
Him: No, nothing like that, I got mad at him for crossing into my property with his four wheeler, so I defacated on his front porch.
Me: You mean defaced?
Him: No, I mean shit, I shit on his porch.
Me: No fucking way. That is crazy.
Him: Right, I realize it now but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Him: Yeah, so now they are charging me with indecent exposure and property damage.
Me: Right. (Breaking into uncontrollable laughter.)
Him: It is not funny.
Me: Right, so why indecent exposure? Did you do this in day light?
Him: No, but I rang the bell as I dropped my pants, he and his wife came to the door, and turned on the porchlight, and there I squatted.
Me: No fucking way. You got balls man.
Him: Yeah, can you bail me out?
Me: I will call an attorney friend of mine he will take care of you. By the way that is not western, that is just plain weird.
Him: Thanks man, I owe you.
Me: (Laughing uncontrollably)
Him: See ya.
Me: (Laughing) You have any soap on a rope?
Him: No, why?
Me: Whatever you do, don't drop the soap.
Him: Jess, go fuck yourself.
So I called a lawyer friend of mine and had him tended to, so to speak.