We're having a pajama party
Jeremy Bol..... Formerly called a warmonger now known as The American Pajamamonger
If a warmonger can show his, why can't I get some others?
Submit photos here
Paging Mr. Hitchcock . . .
"Pope John Paul II shoos away from the window of his studio white doves freed at the end of the Angelus prayer in St. Peter's square, at the Vatican, Sunday, Jan. 30, 2005."
[The looks on those kid's faces are priceless. --PW]
Tales from country music groupies, volume 1
At least she is honest.
Oh , and stop by and congratulate long time LOSLI friend Guy Andrew Hall on his anniversary.
I found a new way to do some exercise....
At first, i wanted to post this picture in this blog, but I don't know how to. So until i learn, click here and check out my new way of exercising.
Random Camera Phone Pictures Volume 1.
I call this one Saturday Morning Sunrise
Oh yeah..... Don't forget to submit your pajama photos here to me.
Go vote for Travis' Reports from an Old Soldier.
He is a member of the LOSLI team and he is up for a Koufax. Please vote for him. Let's show Wampum and Travis some LOSLI love.
this is for pear and femal orange Tina
BE IT KNOWN, this agreement is entered into on the __________ day of _____________, 19___ between _________________________ and __________________________
Whereas, the parties contemplate legal marriage under the laws of the State of ___________________, and it is their mutual desire to enter into this agreement so that they will continue to own and control their own property, and are getting married because of their love for each other but do not desire that their present respective financial interests be changed by their marriage. Now, therefore, it is agreed as follows:
1. All property which belongs to each of the above parties shall be, and shall forever remain, their personal estate, including all interest, rents, and profits which may accrue from said property, and said property shall remain forever free of claim by the other.
2. The parties shall have at all times the full right and authority, in all respects the same as each would have if not married, to use, sell, enjoy, manage, gift and convey all property which may presently belong to him or her.
3. In the event of a separation or divorce, the parties shall have no right against each other by way of claims for support, alimony, maintenance, compensation or division of property existing of this date.
4. In the event of separation or divorce, marital property acquired after marriage shall nevertheless remain subject to division, either by agreement or judicial determination.
5. This agreement shall be binding and inure to the benefit of the parties, their successors, assigns and personal representatives.
This agreement shall be enforced with the laws of the State of _______________.
Signed this ______________ day of _________________, 19___
Witness First Party
Witness Second Party
The Anti-Erica Campaign
I recently learned that Francis' best friend has started an anti-Erica Campaign. I try to keep personal things to my own blog, but I think this is really fucked-up, and I sort of wanted to share. "jerkoff" and I have never liked eachother. He is rude to women, and a little rude generally. At one point he made a comment about how I went to school for Fashion Design because I am stupid. I am not stupid, to put it simply. I went to school for fashion design because that is what I want to do, desparately. Francis even acts like a jerk around him sometimes, and he is really just a kitten. As much as I dislike "J.O." I would never start an anti-him campaign. SO what is the deal with this? Can anyone tell me? What could possibly be so bad about me that "J.O." would comprimise Francis' happiness to get rid of me?
Sorry, guys, I really needed to vent.
Conversations with Pears Volume 11
Pear: Dude, you seem I dunno.... Different.
Pear: What's the story morning glory?
Me: No story.
Pear: Come on man. You can talk to me.
Me: Nothing. I am cool.
Pear: So.... Why do you seem sad?
Me: How do pears reproduce?
Pear: By seeds?
Me: Then you would not get it.
Pear: Try me.
Me: Well, it is a girl thing. If there are no girl pears then you probably would not get it.
Pear: Well, there are no girl pears but there is this female orange Tina, she has peaked my interest.
Me: That's good. Can I give you some advice?
Me: Don't do it.
Pear: Ok. Is this about C.?
Me: Yeah. She and I are having issues.
Pear: Like what?
Me: Well, she is thinking about her ex.
Pear: Well stupid, all you have to do is be you.
Pear: Hey, turn off all this sad music.
Pear: You two are good. You need to show her the Jess that she fell for.
Me: But her ex has history.
Pear: So do you.
Pear: Remember the water incident?
Me: What if I was a rebound?
Pear: Dude, many games are won by the team with the most rebounds.
Pear: Dude. If you don't go get her back, I will for you.
Me: No pear is going to do my fucking bidding for me.
Pear: SO, what's the hold up? Her ex, is a dick. You flirt a lot, but you are true blue.
Pear: Go, now.
Pear: Update me in the morning.
Me: Hey, 1 question.
Pear: What now?
Me: Well, as a knee jerk reaction I erased her phone number. Do you have it?
Pear: Fuck.... You are a gawd damn case.
Pear: The number is xxx-xxxx.
Pear: Don't mention it. Go get her. She is awaiting your call.
Me: How do you know?
Pear: All she did was talk to him, and have lunch with him today. He was in town for work. You have her heart.
Me:I doubt it.
Pear: Just call her. Ah hell, just go over there.
Pear: what are you still doing here?
Pear: Quit pouting. Go get your girl. I know you were hurt. She loves you. You feel like that too.
Pear: Go now.
All is well.
Anybody want a Heath Bar Mocha w/ extra whipped cream? Sounds pretty good to me, I think I will stop by and have one this morning.
Will and Julie are all for a pajama photo contest here at LOSLI. So, if you submit a photograph of you, or your loved ones in pajamas (Perhaps less) I will post one daily, starting Monday night.
Meanwhile, in a trailer court near you.......
No this is not Daisy Cutter. It is his brother Tulip Cutter.
Conversation With a Kiwi
Bad Penny: Good morning, friend Kiwi!
Bad Penny: So how are you today?
Bad Penny: Not so chatty? What's wrong?
Bad Penny: Come on! Jess talks to a pear for christs sake. A freaking pear! Say something.
Bad Penny: Have I done something to offend you? What's wrong. You can tell me, I'm easy to get along with. I'm a good listener. People LIKE me. Come on. Give it up for momma.
Number Three Child: (looking slightly concerned) Can I eat that kiwi?
Bad Penny: Absolutely.
This has been a realization that fruit does not talk, at least not to me ~ I'm Bad Penny
Scenes from the espresso stand volume 2
Ashley: Hi Jesse.
Me: Good Morning Ash.
Ashley: So, what will it be?
Me: A little thing I like to call bartender's choice.
Me: You pick me out something, and I will drink it.
Ashley: Ah. How about the Heath Bar?
Me: Bartender's choice.
Me: So, how has life been treating you?
Ashley: Busy. With work and school, it seems as though I hardly have any time for fun.
Me: Yes, I understand.
Ashley: So, how about you?
Ashley: I bet.
Me: So, how old are you?
Ashley: 20. How old are you?
Me: I am an old man. I will be 26 next month.
Ashley: that's not old.
Me: Maybe then you are just young. I dunno. So, what are you studying?
Me: Are you gonna be a lawyer?
Ashley: No. Why?
Me: I had an ex girlfriend that was a history major, now she is in law school.
Ashley: How many ex girlfriends do you have?
Me: A few.
Ashley: I see that.
Ashley: That is not bad, it is just a statement that you are a commitment phoebe.
Me: Now you are sounding like a psych major.
Ashley: Here is your Heath Bar Mocha. I gave you extra whipped cream.
Ashley: You are kinda sweet when you are not trying to be an asshole.
Me: Usually I do not have to try. It comes naturally. (My cell phone starts to ring) Well, Ash come back and see me.
Ashley: Bye Jesse. Give em hell.
Me: I always do. Gotta go. This call is important.
Ashley: Bye sweetie.
|You are 100% Aquarius
My favorite conservative bloggers....
A little disclosure.
I am a Coyote Democrat. We are a little different in the west.
1. Jeremy Bol from American Warmonger.
Jeremy is an actual compassionate conservative. He reminds me of a Glenn Reynolds without the readership. He states his views, makes his points, yet never gets out of hand. Jeremy has never been anything but a gracious to me, and I respect him immensely. So, if you are not reading the Warmonger stop by and say hello.
How is that for an endorsement?
2. Jeff Goldstein from Protein Wisdom
Jeff is the leader of the "South Park Republicans" He will call a spade a spade, and is one of very few conservative websites that is not trying to tar and feather a sponge.* I have been asked if LOSLI is a parody of Protein Wisdom. The simple answer is no. Jeff, has inspired posts and series of posts that I have put up. I guess imitation is the highest form of flattery. Reading Jeff is like smoking grass with Willie Nelson. You may not be a fan of what they sing or write, but, when you leave you are strangely satisfied and have a new respect for them. Jeff is the best CITIZEN JOURNALIST in the sphere today.
How is that for an endorsement?
Conversations with an Online Dating Dude
Dude: Do you have cute feet?
Bad Penny: Isn't that subjective?
Dude: I like feet.
Bad Penny: I have feet.
Dude: But are they nice??
Bad Penny: How should I know? Maybe I think they're nice and you'd think they were gross...
Dude: Will you cuff me to the bed and rub them on my face?
Bad Penny: You can not really think I'd meet you and rub my feet on your face.
Dude: Consider it.
This has been an online dating update ~ I'm Bad Penny
Conversations with pears volume 10.
After a little bit of prodding, I have decided to bring back my conversations with pears.
Pear: Yeah, so what?
Me: You're looking well.
Pear: Yeah. I feel well.
Me: Thats good. How has life been treating you?
Me: Not so good eh?
Pear: It is freaking freezing, you never visit, I have not had a diet Mountain Dew in weeks.
Pear: Where is my Dew bitch?
Me: All out. I can give you a Pepsi.
Pear: You cheap bastard, skidaddle down to the store and get me one. Oh and one of those mini pizzas.
Ken of Ken is a Verb, is quietly running one of the best blogs I have read in recent times. Make him a daily read, blogroll him, blogline him, just read him. How's that for an endorsement?
The marvels of today's modern technology include the develpment of a soda can, when discarded will last forever... and a $10,000 car which when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years.
This post means very little but I guess I just wanted to say this.
I really do not care that I am not linked to by any of the big bloggers. Not one ounce. I used to dream of a link by Atrios. Now I dream of tacos. In my dreams tacos are served just the way that I like them with a crispy shell, meat and lettuce. No tomatoes though, they are poisonous.
I have been linked to by Avedon, Ken, Luis, Ralph, Pika, and a plethera of other good ones. (I am just linky lovey today I guess) How could we forget our blogfather?
Skippy, Bill from INDC, and Jeff Goldstein each commented here at least once.
This post is not bitching... It is just saying, we gotta have some perspective. It also says and it is true that I love tacos, sometimes more than life itself.
Tacos make the world go around. Please, no soft tacos. They are merely burritos in small tortillas. Real tacos have a crisp shell, and make a nice crunching noise when you eat them. If there were a taco kingdom, I would be royalty. If the Dems ran tacos for office, they would be unbeatable.
I am also a fan of chili dogs. No onions on mine though, onions are a good way to ruin a perfectly good chili dog.
This post is not an egotrip post I guess I am just saying that our little blog is doing ok.
"We are we are... the youth of the nation"
I’m not terribly shocked since girls have such a plethora of skanks to choose from as role models…
But I do find it kind of sad.
Tales from the espresso stand volume 1.
Espresso Girl: Hi Jesse.
Me: Hi. Do I know you?
EG: Yeah, I am Ashley. We met at the carwash a few days ago.
Me: Ah yes. I remember now.
Ashley: So, how are you?
Me: Well. And you?
Ashley: I am good.
Me: Glad to hear that.
Ashley: Uh yeah, this is weird huh?
Me: Yeah. A little. Are you wearing pants?
Ashley: (Laughing) Yes, I am.
Me: Thats good.
Ashley: Remember that boyfriend I told you about?
Me: Right, a fellow asshole like myself.
Ashley: We broke up. You by the way are not an asshole. A prick. Maybe, but not an asshole.
Me: Damn, I can tell I have a fan club here.
Ashley: It was a joke, Jesse.
Me: Ah. I knew it.
Ashley: I have researched you, you seem to get fairly positive reviews.
Me: Yeah, you want to talk to some of my ex girlfriends? They will give you negative reviews. Besides I am not supposed to be speaking to you. C. will get mad.
Ken said it best in comments.
Getting car washed: $10
Getting coffee: $3
Making change for $1: $0
Acquiring a stalker: Priceless
Scenes from the espresso stand volume 2 is here.
$200,000. Dress But He Plans to DO His Own Hair...
Did you hear? The Donald got married again.
Is it just me, or is there something wrong when a woman dons a $200,000. fifty pound dress to get married in while people are without homes, and starving, all over the world.
Don't get me wrong. It's not that I begrudge them the right to have that money... or even the right to spend it in what ever way they see fit. I just think that the ways they chose to spend it reveals a greedy selfish ugliness that I would never brag about for myself. There is a line between lovely, wonderful wedding dress and extravagant monstrosity. They have landed firmly and with both feet on the right hand side of that line. And the fact that Donald intends to style his own hair does not make this any less true.
Personally I think money for his hair would be money better spent.
This has been a special report on money, greed and monstrosities ~ I'm Bad Penny
*UPDATE by Jess*
I want to thank Penny for joining the LOSLI team. If you all are not reading Penny's blog you should be. She is my cyber mama, and on top of that she has sexy feet. How's that for an endorsement?
*UPDATE 2 by Jess*
We want Penny's love life stories, she makes me look like a boring guy. BTW, go see Charlie. He is the best pundit I know. Yes, IMHO he is better than Atrios. How's that for an endorsement?
Boys Don't Make Passes @ Girls Who Wear Glasses
I got some new glasses yesterday. Oh My GOSH! You guys, they are hot. Very cute. Naughty Librarian glasses. And so I am wondering if maybe I shouldn't just go out and look for some more men to practice my mystical girly powers on. What do you think?
Who needs true love!
This has been a bit of nonsense ~ I'm Bad Penny
P.S. I feel some love life stories brewing but nothin's quite ripe yet. Maybe I should talk to fruit? There's a lonely kiwi on the counter as we speak...
Where do you come in on this scale?
Liberal 1 - Evangelical 4
Take the test.
I am a 2.25
Things are happening behind the scenes at LOSLI Inc. watch for the changes.
Its all in your perspective
Which one is worse?
Really, I want you all's opinions.
Scenes from a car-wash volume 1
While waiting for the girl in her pajamas in front of me to finish vacuuming her car.
Me: (Rolling down the window as she walks up to me.) Yes Ma'am?
Her: Do you happen to have change for a dollar?
Me: Yes, here you go. (Hand her four quarters and take her dollar)
Her: I am Ashley.
Me: I am Jesse.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: The pleasure is all mine. (Hit window up button)
Her: Hey wait.
Me: OK. Yes.....
Her: Your vehicle appears pretty clean yet you are vacuuming it. Why?
Me: Because I can.
Me: It is 1:00 and you are in your pajamas. Why?
Her: Well, uh. I dunno. I guess I was lazy this morning.
Me: Yet you took the time to put on your makeup.
Her: A girl can't leave home without her makeup.
Me: But she can without her jeans?
Her: Do you argue with everyone?
Me: Nope, only the people I like.
Her: Do you like me?
Me: I guess I must.
Her: Well, OK. But, I have a boyfriend.
Me: Christ on a cracker. I was trying to be nice. How could I like you? I gave you change thats it.
Her: But he is an asshole.
Me: So am I. Listen Ashley I need to go. This is getting weird. I have enough problems with the women in my life already, I needn't add some lady I meet at the carwash who wears pajamas at 1:00 in the afternoon.
Her: Well, OK. But I am a good girl.
Me: Yes. I bet you are. Look I have a friend named Eric, he is weird. You two would be great.
Her: Here, let me give you my number.
Me: Not necessary I will look for a woman in Pajamas, and find you.
Her: Are you being sarcastic?
Me: Yes. Probably a little.
Thank you Mr. Carson
For the laughs, for the comedians you produced and for a hell of a life. .
My favorite Johnny Carson line.....
Ms. Gabor: (Sitting with a cat in her lap) Johnny do you want to pet my pussy?
Johnny: Sure as soon as you move that cat.
Carson was sued, but I must say the line is immortal.
You will be missed, yet you live on through late night television, a place that you pioneered. Thanks Johnny.
Making People Happy
President Bush, the First Lady and Dick Cheney are
flying on Air Force One.
George looks at Laura, chuckles and says, "You know, I
could throw a $1,000.00 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy."
Laura shrugs her shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $100.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."
Cheney says, "Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $10.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."
The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them and says to his co-pilot, "Such big shots back there..... Hell, I could throw all of them out the window and make 56 million people very happy."
Thanks to SKK. Be well. Come see us.
Tales from New Mexico volume 1
Hey Mr. Tumbleweed man....
Via The ever lovely and always informative Pika
After years of trying to rule the world around me, I've finally put aside violence in favor of advocating peaceful resolution. There's still a little Viking in me, but mostly I like Nobel Prize winners and long nights by the fire. And safe cars. I always read the safety manual in airplanes, and I'm just a little cold. Oh yeah, and I'm fond of girls with long legs who aren't all hung up on Bible Belt morality.
Which country are you?
Take the Country Quiz at the Blue Pyramid
You Should Try Running with the Bulls
Exhilarating, but not as dangerous as it might seem.
You're more likely to get crushed by a person than a bull!
Tales from the laundry room of my apartments volume 1
Me: How come the dryers are still going but you are done?
Me: It does not make sense.
Me: The designer must be an idiot, why would he do it this way?
Me: What would it hurt to have you go the same amount of time as your buddy the dryer?
Me: As a matter of fact, I think my clothes might even be cleaner if you continued on. Now I have wet clothes and nowhere to put them. Frankly, this sucks.
WM: Dude, calm it down the dryer will be done in a bit.
Me: Come on dryer, just get done already.
Me: Damn you all to hell. Damn you, dryer.
80 year old neighbor: Jess, are you ok?
Me: Yeah, what do you mean Ms. Johnson?
Ms. J.: I heard you talking and you are the only one in here.
Ms. J.: You seemed mad at somebody.
Me: That damn dryer.
Ms. J.: Jess, you can not talk to dryers, they are not alive.
Me: OK, Ms. J.
I'll actually be 26 next month but........
You Are 24 Years Old
Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.
13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.
20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.
30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!
40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.
what do you think about this?
Are you signed up? would you sign up? share with us your thoughts about this.
Don't Date Naked
and other strange advice from repressed people who need serious professional help.
Go read it now. The running commentary is a hoot.
Thanks to Susie.
Jenn's PSA for today
I just thought y'all should know that Eddie Spaghetti of the Supersuckers will rock your socks off.
I choose not to post. Though, I will state: Airport food freaking rocks.
Why? War's Daughters. That photograph haunts me.
Looks like I'm a Folkie
They won't give peace a chance. That was just a dream some of us had.
-- Joni Mitchell
What kind of Sixties Person are you?
another facinating quiz by Quizilla
Conversations with clerks volume 5
Clerk: Hi, and welcome to McDonalds, order when you are ready.
Me: I am ready, boy am I ready.
Clerk: What can I get you?
Me: I will take 12 McRib sandwiches with no onions or pickles....
Clerk: Anything else?
Me: Yes, a diet coke.
Clerk: For here or to go?
Me: Do I look like I am prepared to eat 12 McRibs in one sitting?
Me: I mean I no brown is not the most slimming of colors and all but do I look that fat?
Me: I mean obviously I am watching my calorie intake, I ordered a diet coke.
Clerk: Uh... OK.
Me: I am just stoked about the return of the McRib and want to enjoy its savory barbecue flavor all the time.
Me: Have you ever tried one? They are delicious.
Clerk: OK man, I get it. You like the McRib.
Me: Like it, let me tell you something sister, I love it.
Clerk: Are you a secret shopper or something?
Me: Nope, I am a fan of your product though.
Clerk: OK.... Your total is........
Me: Worth every penny. I'd like to see those bastards at burger king try to keep up with these McRibs though eh?
Clerk: Yea, they are pricks over there man. I effing hate them.
Me: Thats the kind of company loyalty we like to see.
Hell naw, I aint mad at cha.....
A friend of mine called me today to ask about my ex girlfriend (Only dated for a week) K. He asked if it would bother me, if he told me that he slept with her. I thought about this, as I was thinking he said please dawg, don't me mad at me. I told him that Tupac Shakur had said it best when he "Said hell naw I aint mad at cha.... Do your thing."
I take an attitude with exes and even current girlfriends dating my friends as, oh well. My advice to friends when broached about these subjects is usually along the lines of " Hope you have better luck with her than I have had."
My theory on this is that true friends are hard to find, if you have the honor to be upfront and honest, then how could I object. I remember one time a friend of mine and a ex girlfriend, (though at the time she was current) of mine slept together, they got drunk, and it happened. I broke up with the girlfriend, then my friend approached me and apologized. To me, this was not necessary. He was not in a relationship, she was, not him. I told him that I was not going to lose a friend that I had known for years over a girl I had known for months.
Is this so wrong? I have told people my theories on this, and have gotten a variety of responses, some very supportive, some think I am nuts. To me, this is the only way that makes sense.
"Dramatic Moments 1" by Erica Voges, Unfortunately there are a lot of cool things in this painting that you cant see in this picture.
Damn it boy
Note to Roger Clemens*....
If I wanted to watch a Texan make an ass out of their self, I would watch the fucking inauguration.
A Riddle... Vol. 3
What row of numbers comes next?
This is a tough one!
"Lord, Love a Duck!"
This is of course the greatest non-swear swear in the English language.
Followed closely by "Cripes!" and "Jimeny Christmas!"
I think it is interesting that they all suggest a higher power.
Feel free to add your own suggestions (or objections) below.
Just seems fitting after today in Texas
Sadly so true for so many men....
(Click on image to enlarge)
Definition of integrity
After the south had surrendered at the end of the Civil War, most northerners rejoiced, yet Honest Abe heard the news, and asked the band to play the song "Dixie" in honor of all the southern Americans that had died fighting for what they believed in and the blood that lay on his hands.
Where is our Abe Lincoln?
Song in my head (I sang Dixie)by Dwight Yoakum
I sang Dixie as he died
The people just walked on by as I cried
The bottle had robbed him of all his rebel pride
So I sang Dixie as he died
He said way down yonder in the land of cotton
Old times there aren't near as rotten as they are
On this damned old L.A. street
Then he drew a dying breathe
And laid his head against my chest
Please Lord, take his soul back home to Dixie
I really do not like Texans. I am sure there are some good ones, but they seem to be few and far between these days. If I hear "everything is bigger in Texas" one more fucking time. I am going to shove cottonballs in that big Texas mouth.
Mommy, make it play nice...
What’s worse than messing with MT? I didn’t think you could come up with anything either.
I spent 6 grueling hours last night looking for a pretty layout (which by the way, I still haven’t found really) and fighting with MT. That is my life.
I did talk to my boyfriend for a while but really he sounded like the teacher from Charlie Brown and I sounded something like, “uh huh, uh huh. That’s nice honey. F^CKIN F^CKIN F^CK?!?!?” No, everything is fine honey… I’m just going to curl up in the corner and suck my thumb now”.
A Riddle Vol. 2 ...
There is a man who has a cat, a dog, and a mouse. He has to get them all to the island across from him. He has a very small boat, which can only handle him plus one animal/rodent at a time. How can he get them all across without leaving the pairs that will not get along (ie cat and mouse or cat and dog)?
Text message tonight from C.
Goodnight sweetheart. Sleep tight. Dream a little dream of me.
She must have been listening to Louis Armstrong.... I gave her that CD.
For Julie and Rea
Yes, I live amongst the old.
I make statements quite bold
But luckily they don't hear me I am told.
I lost my antfarm because of fungal mold.
I really need to learn how to wash and fold.
Damn, exes can be cold....
Conversations with waitresses volume 5
Me: George W. Bush is my master.
Waitress: uh.... ok.
Me: But Dick Cheney is my bitch.
Waitress: (as she walks away) Damn, and they let this guy fly.
Co-worker: You really enjoy fucking with people don't you?
Will has been kind enough to set up a chat server for all of us. I was wondering what you all thought about set chat times as well as the spontaneous ones that are occuring now. I just made my way into the room. What do you guys think. Maybe like Monday nights at 8:00 MST or whenever, I am just throwing times out there. Tell me when would be good for you, and I will do my best to be there.
A "Conversation" with My Kitchen Sink
Inspired by Jess, I thought I would post my own conversation. This one is with the clog in my kitchen sink.
Conversations with thermometer
Me: Go up damn it. It is too cold.
Me: I know you got it in you, come on, man lets try for 30 degrees farenheit. I am cold.
Thermo: How about 28?
Me: Stubborn today eh?
Me: I will find a girl to talk dirty to you if that is what you are into.
Me: What does it take to get you to go up?
Thermo: Hey guy, where a jacket and quit your bitching. What do you expect? It is January we are at 5300 feet in elevation. You do not live in Hawaii. Get a clue, and quit talking to me I was just napping when your ignorant ass comes up and wants to chat it up with me. Damn, kids.
When it comes to big games.....
I will still take Tom Brady over Peyton Manning any day.
It is begining to look a lot like a New England vs. Atlanta Superbowl.
A Riddle ...
A cowboy came into town on Friday. He stayed for two nights. He left on Friday. How is this possible?
Meanwhile, somewhere in Jesusland *
Write your own caption....
My first attempt is.... Mom was so proud of Junior she gave him a complimentary session at the tattoo parlor.
* "Meanwhile, somewhere in Jesusland" is Property of Jeff Goldstein
Via * .
Someone got into the champagne....
I do. I do. Good, now take the damn rings.... I have to piss like a Russian racehorse.
Via Strange Cosmos
Title: Cross Talk or Blushing Bride?
WARNING!!! Not exactly cubicle safe. Turn back now while you still have a job!
Via I Hate My Cublicle
Conversations with Pears volume 10
Pear: Why the long face?
Pear: Dude, are you ok?
Pear: Come on, you can talk to me.
Pear: OK, newsflash dumbass. You are the one with a voice. Try using it.
Pear: Fine be that way.
Me: Who is the bitch now?
Pear: That isn't cool. I was trying to be your friend then you punk me that way. Turn it on the pregame shows fucker. It is playoff season.
Me: OK. (Laughing)
Scenes from a New York City taxi cab
Cabby: Hey aren't you Doug Brien?*
Passenger: No. I am not.
Cabby: You kind of look like that little weasel.
Passenger: I am sure Mr. Brien dod not mean to miss those two field goals....
Cabby: Fuck man, he should have been wearing a gawdamn Steelers Uniform.
Cabby: What did you say your name was again?
Passenger: Uh Dave.....
Cabby: Where to again?
Passenger: Right here is fine.
Cabby: I thought we were going uptown?
Passenger: Yeah, I changed my mind.
Cabby: Listen, You no kicking jackass, I will take you home then teach you how to kick....
Cabby: Kicking you with my boot to your fucking ass Doug Brien.
Please avoid the friendly fire accidents....
That could be bad.*
Ok So I created a Yahoo group for Life or Something Like it. I did this because it has it's own chat channel. So instead of having conversations through comments we can chat on the group chat channel. You can join up by going Here.
Conversations with clerks volume 5
At 7-11 last night.
Clerk: Two diet cokes. Anything else?
Me: No ma'am.
Clerk: Don't call me ma'am it makes me feel old.
Clerk: I can run circles around those little girls.
Me: I am sure you can.
Clerk: I am serious.
Me: Well, have a good night.
Clerk: Are you a fan of the King?
Me: Don King?
Clerk: No, Elvis....
Me: Well he was a little before my time.
Clerk: He liked older women. A little known fact.
Me: I learned something today.
Clerk: Think about it.
Me: My wheels are turning. I must go home and finish my work.
Clerk: Are you avoiding the proposal?
Me: See you soon.
Note to self, do not at any cost go back to that 7-11. There are many other convinience stores where the clerks don't scare me.
Hold your head high. This blogger thanks you. Good luck in life, and everything else. Thanks for your service. Sleep well in Milwaukee.
Closing time.... Uh never mind.
Just when the bartender made the last call, in hobbles our old friend Colorado Luis. Back from his hiatus and blogging away.
I need a Jim Beam and diet so, I can have a drink with the man.
Julie needs another latte, she is getting sleepy.
Girls like flowers. A lot.
I made one of the guys I work with deliver her flowers. I guess she thought that it was funny because I was shy....
Really nothing else to say just enjoying doing the updates.
After about 30 seconds of pondering....
Food sounds better than listening to incessant whistling from the office next to mine.
You're invited but your friend can't come.
Kid Rock* does not have place at inauguration.
Is it just me or is the whole "big tent" shrinking? I see a battle coming for control of the GOP. Who will win? Right now it looks as if the fundamentalists are.
If the democratic party wants these people right now is the time for someone to step up to the plate and do what Ronald Reagan did with his "Reagan Democrats" and woo the disenfranchised, nonevangelical wing of the GOP. They are out there, who will step up and make them Dems?
Will they be Obama Republicans? Hillary Republicans? How about Salazar Republicans?
Bad Day (click on *)
Ironic.* Quite ironic. What else can you say?
I wonder if they will notice?* Naw, why would they be trained at such things.
One sherriff that Elton John does not want to run into.*
Busy day at work, so how bout a little help?
From my fair state:
For months, officers have been getting reports about a man making late-night runs in the buff. On Monday, police said they think they got their mystery jogger.Um . . . ouch?
Fate Patterson, 39, of West Memphis, was arrested after he ran past a police car and failed to stop when he was ordered to do so by officers. Police chased him and were able to rein him in by using a Taser.
Patterson was charged with indecent exposure, fleeing and resisting arrest.
Mike Allen, assistant chief of the West Memphis police department, said that it did not initially appear that the man was mentally ill. He did not disclose his reasons for running without his clothes.
"You know, this one has just got me kind of speechless," said Allen.
La compania en la miseria hace a esta mas llavadera.
Mejor es no menearlo.
Text message tonight from C.
Hasta en la manana mi vato loco.
This one I know..... Yes I am tri-lingual, meaning I know how to proposition ladies i(make a ass of myself) in three languages.
You Are a Bright Star Soul
Like a shining star, you have no trouble being the center of attention
In fact, you often feel a bit hurt when all eyes aren't on you
You need to be number one in everything, no matter how trivial
And it's this ego that both hurts your confidence and helps you acheive
You're dramatic and a powerhouse of pure energy
You posess a divine quality or uniqueness that's hard to define
A natural performer, it's likely you'll become famous in some circles.
Just learn not to take everyone's reaction to you so personally!
Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul and Prophet Soul
CHECK OUT Dwayne Perkins:
He is a very talented comedian. He is on this comedy central thing and if people vote for him it will make me happy. When I lived in LA he did a comedy show at a coffee house called Psychobabble along with some of the guys that made it on to the last season of last comic standing. It was a great show and Dwayne was my favorite. He doesn't need support from me, he is really successful already, but I think you guys will enjoy him.
BBC NEWS | Technology | Inventor plans 'invisible walls'
BBC NEWS | Technology | Inventor plans 'invisible walls'
always wanted to get an invisibility cloak like harry potter?
Jeff G. addresses a major battle within the conservative movement and GOP.
For my newer readers I will state this, I at one time was a Republican. I believed in what G.W.B. said in 2000. I understand what Jeff is saying here, all too well.
Jeff, you can use your potty mouth on our side. Hell, one of our presidential candidates screamed like a fucking banshee and some people still want him to lead the DNC.
Conversations with pears volume 9
Opening desk drawer....
Pear: Hey let me out of here.
Me: So, yeah.
Pear: Question for you.
Me: Hit me up.
Pear: Well, you asked what was better about pears than apples....
Me: Yeah, I recall that.
Pear: You watch much tv?
Me: Some why?
Pear: Well you know those shampoo commercials?
Me: You're losing me, which ones?
Pear: The ones where the girls are having quite a time.
Me: Oh, right.
Pear: You ever seen anyone have that much fun with applebutter?
Pear: You see kiddo, that is pear shampoo they are using, listen to the fun they are having "it's ooooooooorganic."
Pear: See an apple try that.
Me: Don't they make apple shampoo too?
Pear: The apple ones don't get near the response that my peeps do.
But he was a tyrant.....
Justification to go to war? Who needs it? We don't need no stinking justification. We got Rathergate.....
Is that the smell of burnt hair?
Tonight, I decided I would have a few good friends over and barbecue. Yes, I know it is January, yes I know it is cold, but I wanted to do it.
I go out to start my propane grill, push the ignition button, nothing. I have the gas cranked up and can hear it escaping into the night. I go in and get a cigarette lighter and a paper towel Roll up the end of the paper towel light it and stick it into the barbecue pit. It takes a second but the gas and fire make contact and we have ignition.
I had not planned on the paper towel to start off as quick as it did. The flames reached near the end of the towel that I was holding and I threw it to the ground and set off to stomping I stomped and the flame went out. The problem with this last sequence was, that flip flops do not protect ones feet from flames very well.
I am still in shock, over all this when one of my friends comes out and walks up and slaps my arm, not once but twice. I turned to him and said... "What the fuck are you doing?" He pointed at my sleeve. I looked down and the sleeve of my jacket was on fire. The flame had also spread to the side of the jacket.
It was like I was in elementary school again. I remembered McSnuff the Fire Dog telling me to "stop, drop and roll." I am doing this, I hear fast approaching footsteps, and suddenly the air is filled with white. Suddenly, I have a bitter taste in my mouth and my eyes are burning, I am also strangely wet.
I guess one of my neighbors had seen me rolling on the ground, ran inside her apartment got her fire extinguisher and sprayed me. About this time my friend poured two beers on me, to help in the effort.
I get up off the ground, walk inside to change jackets. I am greeted by one of my good friends that is Georgia girl asking me In a sweet southern accent "Do I smell burnt hair?" I smiled and said "Yes Tammy you probably do."
I changed jackets washed my hands, my buddy explained what had happened to the rest of the group. I walked in and told them that it was ok to laugh, I had heart attacks in buns to cook.
What is a heart attack in a bun or HAIB for short? It is a spicy italian sausage wrapped in bacon served on a hoagie roll with pepper jack cheese often eaten with mustard, but the condiment thing is your call.
I am fine, no injuries just a lot of humility. I wish that jackass hadn't told everybody. So, I'm a beer drenched blogger, sounds strangely normal.
The HAIBS were very good.
C.thought that it was funny, I guess I am not going to be able to use sympathy thing.
25 K and I thought of quitting at 10K thank you. You guys make it worthwhile.
Love ya. Jess
Conversations with pears volume 8
Me: Do you ever wish you were an apple?
Me: Come on you can fess up, they have so many more uses than pears do, the thought has to have crossed your mind.
Me: So, you are ignoring me eh?
Me: Ginger sent me an apple. I may start conversing with it.
Pear: Enough already, No. I do not want to be an apple, that is like me asking you if you want to be a chimpanzee. Pears are of a higher class than apples, notice our size and shape, we god's own favorite fruit.
Me: But didn't they eat an apple in the Garden of Eden?
Pear: Listen champ, I am going to take a nap. See ya around.
Why does supposedly one of the premier commercial builders office in a modular home? You would think he would build himself an office.
That McRib was good. I know why they brought it back. That shit is clean.......
One word of advice, If you order one get it without the pickles and onions. They are a good way to ruin a perfectly good sandwich.
....And on his farm he had some detractors
To my hateful e-mailers,
I am who I am. You may not like me. You choose to read me. Do not hate me. Naw fuck it, hate away. I am not going to conform nor change. Enjoy bitches.
Most of you will not get this, but it is a letter to the people that send me hate mail. I am not going to change who I am, not for them, not for anyone. I guess this is why I have pondered quitting blogging. Who needs hate mail?
I guess this pissed some off. I have in the past hour received 21 emails calling me a sellout. Now I am officially laughing. Welcome to my nonfans. Stay awhile, if I have not pissed you off give it a few and I will.
Scenes from the mall x 2
Clerk: What can I help you find?
Clerk: Well, if you don't talk to me how can I help you?
Clerk: You look lost.
Me: Oh, sorry, were you talking to me?
Clerk: Yes, I was.
Me: Oh. I was thinking about the theory of creationism, do you believe that someone can believe in evolution and still be a practicing christian?
Me: If the theory of creationism is true and the earth is only 6000 years old how did the dinosaur bones get here, What about the ancient pyramids?
Me: Think about it. It is simple really. Does creationism make sense to you? Do you think Dick Clark is 6000? He might be able to help.
Me: Time is short, I must go. I certainly hope you think about our discussion.
Clerk: Are you messing with me?
Me: Perhaps. (Then I walked away biting my lip to avoid laughing at the stunned look on her face.)
Bling bling yo
The end is near… Here's my proof.
Don't be shy... tell me how bad you want them.
Eres feia, pero soy borracho, quieres soplarme?
courtesy of erica
Thoughts on the eve of darkness
I like chicken better than steak. It is not that I do not like steak but I prefer chicken. Discuss.
Eres embarrazado- es de mi?
Courtesy of Erica.
I get it do you? I asked Jesse this last night. He seemed to understand. Do you?
Last Bronco blogging for a while (probably till August)
I think Mr. Jeff G. Said it best*. Sadly yes.
Conversations with Pears Volume 7
The rest of the story. Cynthia approved there for I will post.
Me: Why do you hate C.?
Pear: No hate, just a sadness.
Me: Sadness how?
Pear: I realize that you and her are great.
Me: So... What is the problem?
Pear: She told me that she likes you too.
Me: You mean I am not the only one that talks to you?
Pear: No. You are not. I talk to people all the time. To tell the truth I am trying to be adopted by another owner.
Me: Well , good luck.
Pear: All I ask for Jess, is a little respect.
Me: Truce then?
Pear: OK. Thanks for listening.
Me: Don't be sad.
Pear: Hold me.
Me: This shit is getting out of hand.
Me: Fine but only for a minute.
Pear: Psych. Got you sucker. Ha fucking ha. Boom you're my bitch now. YEEH.
Me: It's on. Prepare to meet your brother in pear Purgatory.
Conversations with Pears Volume 6
Me: Hey, what are you doing here? I thought I left you at the office.
Pear: Yeah, well, I snuck in your briefcase.
Pear: I see she is still here.
Me: Yes, and she may be for a while.
Me: Hmm to you too.
Pear: Did you get laid last night or what?
Me: A gentleman never tells.
Pear: I don't like her.
Me: Too bad. I do.
Pear: OK, so I am a bit jealous.
Me: I will buy you a girlfriend tomorrow.
Pear: But she is prettier than a pear.
Me: Yes, I think so too.
Pear: Can I have her?
Pear: How about we duel over her?
Me: No, Zell.
Pear: My name is Tom, not Zell.
Me: Well, nice to meet you Tom.
Pear: Do you have a name or does dumbass work?
Me: My name is Jesse, a lot of people call me Jess.
Pear: I prefer Dumbass.
Pear: Put me away.
Ginger talks to pears too.... Here is her conversation (from comments)
Conversation with a pear who is mad at Jess:
Me: Why you gotta be like that to my homie, yo?
Me: You're just so SOUR all the damn time!
Me: I spent time with an apple today; maybe Jess would like one. What do you think about that?
Meet the neighbors
Ken is a verb. The life and times of Ken. A great read. I have been meaning to add to blogroll and will do eventually.
Oh and btw, C. just got hit on by a female client of mine.
Ooh la la. She says no. Damn the luck. She gave me a look that was classic, but you can't blame me for trying.
Update - By C.
Yes, I was hit on. I am just not into girls. By the way ladies, do you enjoy watching your man sleep?
Watching Jesse sleep I could tell that he was at peace. He looked so cute in his tossing and turning, he slept most of the morning with his head on my shoulder, though he does talk in his sleep.
Update 2 - By C.
He told me to tell you all that he will be back, he is busy for the moment talking to a pear. He said you guys would get it.
My name is C. I am Jesse's favorite waitress. I am writing this under his name because I am having a hard time with this whole blogger thing. So, here I am. I have heard questions asked about me. I will answer as best as I can.
Question 1.: You and Jesse? What are you?
Answer: Well, we are friends with a whole lot more priveleges.
Question 2.: How did you meet?
Answer: He comes into the restaurant in which I work. I met him in April. I really did not think much about him. He came in one day right before Christmas. His eyes were different. He had a sadness that I had never seen. I was not working on that side on that day so I walked over to say hi. We smiled at one another their was probably 15 people at that table. He acted is if he and I were the only two people in the world. He made my heart flutter. I got mad at the people at his table that were picking on him. Then he came back. He has a shy sweetness that is hard to describe in words but it is sweet.
Question 3.: So what next?
Answer: He is officially broken up with his girlfriend. I guess I am his new girlfriend. He is a sweetie. He brought me breakfast in bed this morning then went back to sleep. We are taking things one day at a time.
Question 4: Hmm. Is this a good thing?
Answer: We think so.
Question 5: How do we know this is you not him?
Answer: If you check the Denver Broncos score you know he is no mood to write this.
Question 6: What made you fall for him?
Answer: When he left a note for me with his credit card slip, saying that he was happy that I had taken care of him. He said he was sorry if he made me mad. He had not. But him taking the time to write me a note gave me goosebumps.
Jesse and I are a good thing. He makes my heart jump every time that he says hi. He treats me very well. Yes I do feel quite icy, but am not with him for that. He is a good guy. He makes me feel as if I am the only woman in the world. Jesse is now talking about shutting down this website, he says that it is not as easy as it used to be. I have a favor to ask of you the readers of this. If you like what he says, what Ginger says, what Erica says, what Travis says, what Will says, what Mr. Wanker says, or just the feeling of this website give him some encouragement.
I notice my sweetie does not have a picture up. Would you like to see one? I have made him a deal. If he takes a cute picture with me he can put it up here. Do you guys like that? I may be selfish but I want to share us with the world.
Translate if you want
Amo tus zapatos. Quieres chingarme?
Well, I've gotten my first asshole, sicko troll commenting over at my site. I've deleted his/her racist, derogatory, and perverted comments 3 times without acknowledging him. Each comment gets worse, and they are all on the same post.
I'm posting about it here because I refuse to give this jerk off any satisfaction that he's pissing me off.
I decided to be slick and block his I.P. from Haloscan. I found out exactly which person he was on my site meter. The origin said DAVIDSON in all caps. I knew I had seen that awhile back, so I decided to search all the I.P.s on my Haloscan comments. I knew this person was on SBC (as am I).
So I'm searching and searching, page after page and finally come upon the I.P. address.
Under my damn name! Shit.
All I can figure out is that SBC doesn't assign permanent I.P. addresses. I guess they rotate or reuse or whatever, because my I.P. is different now.
So what I've none for now is block that particular I.P. - I don't know how long that will last though. Anybody got any secrets of the trade for tracking trolls?
I checked all of the major blogs I frequent, and this person has not been to any of them. It is either someone who knows me or someone totally random.
Scenes from the mall
Walking by a jewelry store I saw that it was closing. How could I tell? They had a sign up, that said "last two days." So, I walk in. Here is the conversation that ensued.
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: Yes, I need some jewelry.
Clerk: For your wife?
Me: Naw, for my... I dunno. I just want some cheap jewelry.
Clerk: Does your "Your I dunno" prefer gold or silver?
Me: She likes.... I dunno.
Me: So, show me what you have.
Clerk: Well this diamond bracelet was originally $1200.00, it is now marked down to $74.99.
Me: I'll take it.
Clerk: Do you want to know the specs?
Me: Yeah, why not.
Clerk: There are (8) 1 Karat diamonds, on a 24 karat bracelet.
Clerk: You have no idea what I just said do you?
Me: Not a clue.
Clerk: Well, a woman will appreciate it.
Me: OK. So, I'll take some earings, too.
Clerk: Which ones?
Me: Those ones.
Clerk: Well, ok. They will look good with the bracelet.
Me: If you say so champ.
Clerk: How about an engagement ring?
Me: No, your not my type.
Clerk: For your lady friend.
Me: You are joking, right?
Me: Seriously, I am not sure what she is, now you want me to buy a ring?
Clerk: Point well taken.
Clerk: But you could have it just in case.
Clerk: Think about it a $5K ring for $349.00
Me: In ten years I may regret it, but not now.
Clerk: OK. Are you afraid of commitment?
Me: Madame, I came for jewelry not psychology.
Clerk: I will ring you up over there.
Now the question is should I give C.* her gifts? Should I give her 1, 2, or neither?
MFW = C.* is coming over, she just called. She may get earings.
C.* is making me post this. She loves her earings and is crying. She said that she has never met a guy that gave her anything. I am blushing. Good night to my lovely readers. C.* says to tell y'all that she loves you. (Though she has never found this website) I am gonna be "tied up", may not post for a while.
I love Wendy's frosties. They are a chocolate treat. C.* loves them too. She may be alright. She described her earings as "icy." She still does not know that she has a bracelet.
A life lesson...
Do not play poker with tarot cards. I got a fullhouse, yeah I won the pot, but three people died.