Scenes from a sandwich shop volume 1.
While waiting in line at a sandwich shop the name rhymes with Ryznos.
Girl Behind me: Hi Jess.
Me: How you doing girl?
Her: Good, how have you been?
Her: How come you did not call me Saturday? You promised you would Friday night.
Me: I was sleepy Saturday.
Her: Do you remember that I read your palm?
Me: Refresh my memory. (Offering her my palm)
Her: You have a short life line.
Me: Would it have been longer if I had called you?
Her: Do you even remember me?
Me: Well.... uh..... no.
Her: I am Jenny. Remember.
Me: Right, uh no...
Her: I put my number in your phone.
Me: Hmm... Let me check.
Her: You are a lost soul.
Me: Indeed. You hit the nail on the head.
Her: You have a sad look in your eyes today. Why?
Me: No reason.
Her: Are you coming over to Dennis' house tonight?
Me: Uh, yeah, how do you know Dennis?
Her: If you come your lifeline may be extended.
Me: Err ok....
Her: Do you remember anything from Friday night?
Me: Beyond 11:00 is hazy....
Her: You are handsome when you smile.
Me: Note to self: Smile for Jenny.
Her: You crack me up.
Me: Can I buy you lunch?
Her: Thought you'd never ask.
If I had a million
If I had a million I would build you a mansion,
a hundred miles from nowhere with all a girl could need,
We would run through the hallways and dance in the backyard,
if we ain't got no neighbors ain't noone will see.
and if I had a speed plane we'd fly across the land,
settle in some little border town,
we'd drink margaritas and dance to mariachis,
put you on my speed plane and I would bring you back home.
and if I had a steamboat we'd sail across the ocean,
dock in some little port of call,
we would have a fine time with Swiss cheese and French wine,
put you on my steamboat and I would bring you back home.
But I ain't got a million and I ain't got a speed plane,
I ain't got no boat upon the sea,
all I've got is two strong arms to hold you so tightly,
so baby won't you, won't you please, come back home with me.
Best line of the day, so far....
Following the lead of George W. Bush, his brother Florida Governor Jeb Bush and Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, Mr. DeLay has suddenly fallen mum about the Schiavo case after God, or Karl Rove as he is known in Texas, pointed out that 82% of Americans are terrified that their last days could be determined by a bunch of Congressional airheads.
It's Friday! Do something fun... what is fun?
Take the What High SchoolStereotype Are You? quiz.
Why do people interrupt you when you’re obviously trying to block the world out?
There you sit with a fantastic book and you’re just getting into the part where Lord Wonderful is finally going to ravish the outspoken princess posing as a peasant and some renob walks up and starts talking to you. You can’t exactly say, “hey dude, I’m getting into the part where the girl gets ravished and it’ll be a great sex scene, and I haven’t gotten laid in 5 days so could you bugger off”. That might seem rude but the more you think about it the more you realize he was rude for thinking about striking up a conversation while you are so obviously engrossed in Lord Wonderful’s bedroom prowess.
This happens at the gym too. You’re running along on the treadmill with your headphones on (which should automatically be a sign that you’re not interested) and terribly out of breath and some guy who has no chance in hell gets on the machine next to you and starts talking to you. “Hi, are you blind Romeo? Headphones and out of breath. What makes you think this is going to be a good conversation?”
It isn’t even that I don’t like talking to people because I love it but sometimes I’m obviously not in the mood.
So bugger off.
Thoughts on the eve of abyss....
I never left theRepublican Party, they left me. I am serious, I never left those fuckers. They left me. 1 year and 1 month ago to be exact, that is why I am a Democrat.
Baby Jane Blogs
I haven't been showing myself lately, but I've been hanging back in the shadows. I've also been working on a new business venture that I hope no one minds me whoring here! haha.
I'm still in the beginning stages of the process, but I'm hoping to get some advertising out there so I can possibly have some extra income while I'm off work this summer.
Jess, I hope you don't mind me selling myself on here! :)
LOSLI Quarterly blog reviews coming soon.
Are you a blogger? Do you want your blog reviewed? We will review and write an article that will be linked to by many.
Submit entries in comments......... or e-mail them to email@example.com
You can submit your blog, a post you wrote, anything that makes your little hearts content. I will read, review, and post about it here. It really is kinda fun.
There will be new stuff below, please scroll down.
bold the states you've been to, underline the states you've lived in and italicize the state you're in now...
Alabama / Alaska / Arizona / Arkansas / California / Colorado / Connecticut / Delaware / Florida / Georgia / Hawaii / Idaho / Illinois / Indiana / Iowa / Kansas / Kentucky / Louisiana / Maine / Maryland / Massachusetts / Michigan / Minnesota / Mississippi / Missouri / Montana / Nebraska / Nevada / New Hampshire / New Jersey / New Mexico / New York / North Carolina / North Dakota / Ohio / Oklahoma / Oregon / Pennsylvania / Rhode Island / South Carolina / South Dakota / Tennessee / Texas / Utah / Vermont / Virginia / Washington / West Virginia / Wisconsin / Wyoming / Washington D.C /
Go HERE to have a form generate the HTML for you.
This seems to fit my mood tonight...
Found myself in a bar room
Doing things I ought not to
Watching life as it slowly passed me by
I was holding on to lovers and discarding other with my lying
Living my whole life like this I guess is risky business
Some folks say that I wont last too long
I cant say I blame them, for saying what they're saying
Right now Im just holding on
Now Im just an old dancehall dreamer
Living my life in the past
I keep holding on to dreams and them slow moving trains
I dont know how long I can last
So I called out to Jesus
Said Lord I really need ya
You've gotta carry me for a while
Ive been running too long
Singing these old tired songs
As the wheels keep turning out the miles
Like I said Im just a dreamer
Ive gotta keep believing
That some day things will go my way
Just running from the devil
Ive got one foot on the pedal
The other ones laid up in the grave
Conversations with Pears Volume 15
Pear: So, where have you been?
Pear: OK, two can play this game. Turn the TV up, and look straight ahead, I don't even have time for these childish game.
Me: OK, whatever. (Mumbled) fucking sulky fruit.
Pear: I really am a fan of the Girls Gone Wild videos.
Me: Your birthday is coming.
Pear: Yup, I will be three months old soon. In human years that is like 65.
Me: Yeah, it is.
Pear: See if Jerry Springer is on.
Pear: Chop chop.
A new perspective..
Let's see, so I teach at an elementary school in innercity Los Angeles. One of the brothers of my student Carol was killed in a drive-by last week. I wanted to attend the funeral, as I had Carol as well as another brother of hers. The drive by was thought to be gang related, when I arrived at the funeral, I was greeted by several sunglass wearing, shaved head gang looking guys. Of course, I try to give them the benefit of the doubt, however when they turned around and I saw the huge gang tattoos on the back of their heads it was very clear that they were gang members. I must say, standing there for an hour long Catholic funeral mass given in Spanish while big gang members are standing all around you (being one of two white people there) gives the whole funeral a new perspective.
Is it just me?
Or does the right trackback and take care of their own far better than the left?
Jess - The bandit, posting when you least expect it.
BTW - If life were fair, cell phone batteries would last a long time and shitty novels would be marked accordingly.
* I like blonde strippers with large breasts, they make me feel tingly and happy.*
JESS THE OWNER OF LESS.....
A clarification of my own. That night in New York she and I, well,
We just cuddled.......
Love ya Alexa.
(In other words relax and let her do her thing).
Letters to Scarlett volume 2
The 80's in Philly were wonderful to me. The city of brotherly love turned into a literal deal for me during a softball league, I played in.
Midnight phone calls in DC?
Walk fast, look worried and hate everybody that does not look like you, or share your political beliefs.
Give 'em hell Tiger
The baby polar bear joke - Groaner alert...
There's a baby polar bear and he's in the sea and he climbs out and runs across the ice up to his mom and he says "Mom, are you sure I'm a polar bear?" she says "Don't be silly, 'course you are. You've got white fur, you eat fish, you're a polar bear. Don't be daft, get back in the sea." So he does, but he's not content, so he jumps out and this time he runs up to his dad and he says "Dad, am I really a polar bear?" he says "What are you talking about? Of course you're a polar bear. You've got white fur, you eat fish, you're a polar bear. Why do you ask?" and the baby bear says "Because I'm freezing!"
OK, I like it because..... it's cute, there, I said it.
Love letters to Scarlett Volume 1
You no good two timing bitch. I hate conniving jezabels like you. I would not walk across the street to piss on you if you were on fire.
Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn, even if you are a teaching in the Bronx now.
I received this as a forward and enjoyed it, thought I would share it with all of you..
1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
> 2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the
> 3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the
> country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
> 4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country
> but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like
> their statistics shown in pie charts.
> 5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running
> the country -- if they could find the time -- and if they didn't have
> to leave Southern California to do it.
> 6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the
> country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.
> 7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's
> running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a
> seat on the train.
> 8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running
> the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably
> while intoxicated.
> 9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country
> but need the baseball scores.
> 10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure
> there is a country ... or that anyone is running it; but if so, they
> oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the
> leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also
> happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy provided,
> of course, that they are not Republicans.
> 11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the
> grocery store.
> 12. None of these is read by the guy who is running the country into
> the ground
I've Done the Rest
Now it is time for this one.
BTW, if you haven't tried it yet, the Bigshot is incredible. The "roller coaster" is stupid and boring. Save your money for the thrills.
Overheard at Jackson trial
Michael Jackson: Do you think these pajama pants make me look fat?
Attorney: Michael shut up. Just shut the fuck up.
Michael Jackson: Does it show too much gay porn cock?
Michael Jackson: Maybe I can change my name from Michael Jackson to Matt Johnson and become a gay escort /whitehouse correspondent? It worked for James Guckert / Jeff Gannon.
Attorney: That is not the image that you want to portray to the jury there shrimp.
Michael Jackson: Thrilllllllllllllllllerrrrrrrrrr.
Attorney: Where the fuck is Cochran? I don't get paid near enough for this shit.
HT / Jeff G.
How can a group of people advocate so strongly against stem cell research yet advocate it when it helps their cause?
A little context. I have stayed away from the Teri Schiavo debate, why? I guess I just felt that it was not my fight, not my battle, I do not standly firmly on either side of the Teri Schiavo issue. I do not know her wishes, do not really even know her state, some docs have said persistent vegetive, others say she talks. I am not falmiliar enough with the case to form an opinion. Yet the religous right has taken to Ms. Schiavo's case, and now they blog for Teri etc. (Emphasis mine)
The case has drawn international attention, particularly among religious conservatives, who are supporting the woman's parents.
San Diego businessman Robert Herring, who founded an electronics company and later a cable and satellite channel, said he felt "compelled" to try to have the husband transfer the legal right to decide his wife's medical treatment to the parents, Bob and Mary Schindler.
"I believe very strongly that there are medical advances happening around the globe that very shortly could have a positive impact on Terri's condition," Herring said.
This is the same religous right that disavows the thought of stem cell research. This is the same religous right that claims stem cell researchers are baby killers. I guess when you are killing babies, to save comotized people though it is ok. Congratulations Mr. Herring I believe you framed this debate perfectly....
Charlie has asked for me to respond to an article posted at the home of the Wankers..... So, here goes. DC, Jeremy, and Teach may not be too impressed but to quote "Gone with the Wind" "Frankly my dear I don't give a damn."
Much more than an offering of serious political strategy, Don't Think of an Elephant! is a feel-good self-help book for a stratum of despairing liberals who just can't believe how their commonsense message has been misunderstood by the eternally deceived masses. Liberal values are American values, they say, but somehow Americans just keep getting tricked by Fox News, Sinclair Broadcasting, AM talk radio, conservative think tanksinto thinking and voting against their own interests.
Most common sense message that apply to my life have not been liberal nor conservative messages, they have been words from everyday people. These words have not been from politicians, they have not been from talking heads like Limbaugh or Franken. They have been messages from elderly people who have told me that they worry about their children and grandchildren's futures, without social security. They have been from veterans who do not want to have to pay an annual fee to get VA services. These words sometimes stinging have been from talking to truck drivers who can not afford to operate their trucks because of the price of fuel. I have talked to farmers who are scaredto death of the farmbill cuts. One farmer told me that he was going to declare bankruptcy without his aide, because he is broke, and his fourth generation farm can not make it.
So what's an earnest, honest liberal to do when nobody wants to hear the truth?
Simple really, speak without doublespeak. The liberal message is not the issue, it is the people that have been issuing it. Northern elite people do not appeal to the people I speak to, people that I have talked to want a charismatic Democrat to tell them what they want to hear, to be the FDR of this century.
. . . Groups like MoveOn are fundamentally echo chambers for Volvo Democrats whose lives aren't much affected by whether a Democrat or a Republican is in the White House, and who think it's a politically significant act to go with an audience of like-minded souls to view a flockumentary like Fahrenheit 9/11 or Outfoxed, to set their TiVo to Jon Stewart's The Daily Show, or to pass around lefty spam containing fiery warnings of creeping fascism. A far more challenging exercise after the election would have been for MoveOn to order its troops to meet with and listen to ten people who disagreed with theminstead of talking, as usual, only to one another.
I actually agree. If the liberal message is to reach Kansas, liberals need to speak up in Kansas, if the liberal message is to reach the south, liberal people must get the word liberal out of the swear word column and back into being a positive. 'Nuff said. Liberals do not always drive Volvos, some drive Subarus too damn it....
Back on hiatus......
At least till the weekend. I just picked up Tony Hillerman book "Skeleton Man" I am travelling and not feeling like posting..... So team members, charge.
Which gate are we on?
Gannongate / Guckertgate*, Rathergate* or Easongate*? There are so god damn many gates, I feel like I am in an airport every time I listen to the news.
Really, when did everything become a gate? I really am curious. Are bloggers behind this? Are we just looking for a story? Or am I growing cynical in my old age?
Gannongate - So the whitehouse gives press credentials to a man, using a fake name, with no journalistic experience, why does this surprise anyone?
Rathergate - Dan Rather has been washed out worthless for years, really who gives a fuck?
Easongate - People say stupid shit all the time. Newsfuckingflash.
I am a fan of chocolate cream pie and canyon country.
Conversations with my real estate agent volume 1
Sitting on a bench in the mall, talking about life and how it works....
Her: So, what is your type of woman?
Me: No particular type. I like cool ladies.
Her: OK, lets talk about women as they walk by.
Her: Look at her, she has cute pants.
Me: A 5'2" 200 pound girl should not wear pink see through pants with a black thong. It is not a flattering look.
Her: Oh my god. I can't believe you just said that. It is true but, damn.
Her: You will never get married. You are too picky.
Me: A man has to have his standards.
Her: What about her?
Me: Good body, but her face would make a freight train take a dirt road.
Her: (Laughing) This is fun.
Her: how about the one in pink?
Me: She is hot. She reminds me of Miami in July, hot and sultry...
Her: How is C.?
Me: Dunno. We are going through a battle of the wills....
Her: I will not ask.
Me: I will not tell.
Her: You look good in pink.
Me: I wear it to mess with people.
Her: You should buy more.
Her: I like spending time with you, it is fun and nonsexual.
Me: Don't let my pink shirt fool you.
Her: Jess, you are a one of a kind. If I was not married, and you were not Jess, we could be good.
Me: Well, I think the world of you too R. You are a good person with a beautiful smile.
Her: OK, how bout her?
Me: She should look for dates on Rednecksingles.com. A bath and some shampoo would help her immensely, as well.
Her: Jesse, Jesse, Jesse..... What am I gonna do with you?
Me: A lot of people like to kick me.
Her: I will keep that in mind.
Me: I talked to this girl, I am not sure who she was, but she called me early this morning like 3:00 am. I am not sure, though I think I pissed her off.
Me: She made some kind of comment about my choice in women....
Her: Like what?
Me: Well, she told me that I only liked big breasted latin women.
Her: Is that why I am your real estate agent?
Her: What did you tell her?
Me: I told her that I liked big breasted latin women far more than I like big assed caucasian women.
Her: Does she have a big ass?
Me: I am not sure, I do not know who it was.
Her: You should write a book.
Me: I will take that under consideration.
To: ?????????? I'm over you.....
The way I feel tonight....... Is this me? Maybe? Maybe I am fucking with my readers? Maybe I am fucking with myself?
Where there's a cloud, don't mean there's rain
Tears in my eyes, don't mean there's pain
Don't flatter yourself
I'm over you
You heard i'm drinking more than i should
That i ain't been looking all that good
Someone told you i was taking it rough
But why they making those stories up
When i'm over you
I'm over you
I'm over you
Which aisle first?
I have realized that I am at the point in my life when my body does not know whether it is adult or adolescent. You may ask. How do you figure Jess?
This morning I went to the grocery store, I finished my food shopping, then headed to the non-food section. As, I walked past the frozen food aisle, I asked myself what I needed? I made a quick list in my head, then I wondered which aisle to go to first the "Rogaine" or the "Clearisil?"
I then realized that I am a 26 year old balding man with 2 new pimples. A terrible thought hit me. "Will I be an 80 year old man walking around the nursing home with my bald head shining off the flourescent lights, popping pimples off my nose?"
This has been a strange realization moment.....
I will return to more regular posting soon.
I like to do this on occasion...... Recycling my first blogger post, or at least part of it...
Link..... When I blogged for me.
National Park Rules and how They Apply to Every Day Life.
As I mentioned before I just returned from a weekend at Canyon De Chelley National Monument so these rules are fresh in my head. These rules apply if you are running a country, a company, a household, or just about anything else.
Rule # 1 - Pack out what you pack in.
Interpretation - Fix the problems that you create. It may be easier to dig a hole and bury it but when the flood comes the problems return to the surface.
Rule # 2 - Carry plenty of water.
Interpretation - Plan ahead. It is not fun to be thirsty, whether on a trail or for another part of life.
Rule # 3 - All rocks and plantlife are protected.
Interpretation - Take care of what is around you, you may not be given any more. Whether it is people or resources, the principle applies.
Rule # 4 - No motorized vehicles beyond this point.
Interpretation - Yes we probably could make it up that hill in our SUV. Before we go we must ponder the question, Why is that sign there in the first place? Why is there not a road to begin with? The reason usually has do to with the protection of something, maybe even ourselves. We may make it fine or we may top off over the hill and find only a sheer cliff face. If one was walking or exploring the area gently they have a far greater chance at survival. Some will argue that we must pioneer, or move forward and that vehicles are the 21st century horses. To that I quote cowboy artist Charles Marion Russell from John Hutchen's "One Man's Montana." " I have been called a pioneer. In my book a pioneer is a man who comes to virgin country, traps off all the furs, kills off all the wild meat, cuts down all the trees, grazes down all the grass, plows the roots up, and string ten million miles of wire. A pioneer destroys things and calls it civilization." We need to strive to fill voids and needs in our society, but not forget to replant the seeds for future growth by entrepreneurship, using resources sparingly.
Rule # 5 - Do not remove artifacts / Do not climb on ruins.
Interpretation - Do not take what is not yours, or abuse other people's property.
Dear God from the Dog
Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog?
How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride!
Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'ChryslerBeagle'?
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals,whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths.
What do humans understand?
Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog:
1) I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
2) I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
3) I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food.
4) The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
5) The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom's and Dad's laps.
6) The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
7) My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
8) I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.
9) I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on thetoilet.
10) Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying "hello".
11) I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
12) I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering thehouse.
13) I will not throw up in the car.
14) I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my buttacross the carpet.
15) I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is present.
16) The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes THAT noise, it's usually not a good thing.
P.S: May I have my testicles back?
Have fun below, witty ones! Contest ends 3/14 at one-till-midnight.
Caption Contest #1
The winner (among all three . . . and you must enter a caption for all three) will be King Wanker at Pusillanimous Wankers (with editorial control!) for one week. Judging is at my discretion, but public input is encouraged.
When the cat's away, the mice play........
I am away for a while, I seem to have misplaced my smile and must go find it.....
Key is under the pad on the chair on the patio. Refridgerator is full, eat, laugh, enjoy the cable.
I am sure the other team members will take good care of you.