Saturday, April 30, 2005
 
Some Personal Stuff, Since I don't Feel Like Writing About Anything Else.
If you asked me why, I do not know that the answer is simple enough to make it clear. It may have been all of the lying, and hiding- stupid little treasures, genuine in their mediocrity- and I was just looking for a fucking pen, you see. In fact I continued my search for a fresh pen-preferably one with a lid, and ball-point, I prefer ball point- and went on with my day ignoring your little secret. It was nothing big, just a little something you got for yourself, dear. A little something for you- and you deserve it, don't you? Of course after little coaxing and I learn that this little treasure is just a miniscule portion of the stockpile of amutnition you have collected over the past year and a half.
That is not enough. Simply, there are worse one can do than hide things. I don't even know why you hid most of them. The thing is- it has been longer than a year and a half, you and I that is. Much longer. This is not the first moment of reckoning. This is not the first promise of change, not the first time I realized that I can't trust you, and not the first time you have caused me to feel so small that the world around me is a scary nuisance and bed becomes my ultimate residence. It is one of many untrusting moments of gutwrenching pain. I don't believe I saw the worst of it- but I didn't really have the energy to push much harder- and what I ended up with is incriminating enough.
Maybe, it just isn't a very good idea to refer to something different your fiance does in bed as a "new trick" unless some roleplaying is involved. It is not fair for me to reveal anything more detailed about our sex life, but we both know it is rocky.
Maybe I have done worse things, and I know at times I can be pretty hard to live with- and it may just be possible that this is just a good excuse to detatch myself- as I am notorious for that. Maybe I am just so fucking tired, dear, of all the little shit we fight about. Maybe I am not a person that needs what you give me, and maybe I just need a little time to think things over- some time to myself-without interruption.
Friday, April 29, 2005
 
My first post as a munuvian....
Same Jess.... Different day.

Who wants to be the first commenter?
 
for the traveler...

Theres a black sky outside
Alone with a scotch in my hand
My mind in deep sadness
Top of the hourglass, empty of sand

Hazel eyes and white toothed smile
Where did the hot green days go
Tan legs, bare feet, sand between my toes
Sun blazing down, pulsating yellow

Cooled in the surf of reason


 
I'll See Your ANTE and Raise You One
If I could be a scientist…
I would find the seat of the soul, and capture its photo on an MRI or something.

If I could be a musician…
I would play lead guitar in a punk rock band with my fabulous name: Bad Penny & The Distinct PINK

If I could be a doctor…
I'd never have to write legibly again!

If I could be a painter…
I would work summers, coating barns with bright shades of red. You said PAINTER, not artist.

If I could be an innkeeper…
I would always keep brand new full sized bars of soap in the rooms (I know it would cost more but its worth it), I would use twice the right amount of unscented fabric softener and I would spray the sheets with jasmine linen spray.

(and I raised you one)
If I could be whatever I wished to be...
I would be Just Bad Penny, one short year away from graduating from law school and then saving the world.
Thursday, April 28, 2005
 
What happens in Crawford stays in Crawford

Brought to you by the Crawford, TX Tourism and Visitors Bureau.

H/T Julie B Posted by Hello
 
Turd in a Punchbowl Meme....
The rules are simple: write a poem with "turd in a punchbowl" in the first and third lines, then pass it on to 3 unsuspecting victims. Do check back to Blog d'Elisson and tell him just exactly what you think of this . . . meme.

Just for you Julie, I did a haiku.

Turd in a punchbowl.
Floating atop the red juice.
Life sucks for the drunks.

Who to give this to? Lets see... I dunno, will update later.
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
 
A random thought....
To the girl walking out of the gym ahead of me.

Well give me your number and I'll call (I'll call)
And I'll follow that ass in the mall (in the mall)


Yes it was spectacular. Best I have seen in years.
 
I need to go to the grocery store.
I guess I shouldn't have left my cart behind eh?

I am officially out of edible food in my apartment. Oh Dominoes Man.
 
Conversations with clerks volume 9
Me:

Clerk: (Talking on the phone)

Me:

Clerk: (To phone) Then what happened? You went down on him in the bathroom at your mama's house.

Me:

Clerk: (To phone) Hang on girl. Let me get a customer. I will be right back.

Me:

Clerk: Can I help you sir?

Me: Does that phone have a speaker phone option? This is far more interesting than what I had planned.

Clerk: (Shaking her head) If you only knew.
 
Disappointment to my parents
Ralph did this to us. C'mon the rest of the LOSLI crew - ante up!

If I could be a scientist . . .
I would figure out how to time travel. There are times and places I want to see, hear, feel, and taste!

If I could be a musician . . .
I would . . . hey wait! I am a musician and my dad was proud. We used to play violin duets together. We both sang in the choir and better yet, his two grandsons sing as well.

If I could be a doctor . . .
I would figure out a way to stop pain.

If I could be a painter . . .
Well, I do paint. I even had a couple in galleries. Not much now . . . my favorite artists are Manet, Chagall, and Rothko.

If I could be an Innkeeper . . .
I would have a Bed and Breakfast where time stopped when you stepped thru the door. That way, you could take a break from the rushing occurances of life, to be with loved ones, friends, or just have a moment or two to yourself. The caveat would be that the longer you stayed the more you faded from real life. If you stayed too long, no one would recognize you on return.

New victims: Gary at American Regression, Adam at The Questions to Your Answers, and American On Line
 
Jess : tag you're it
You've been named as one of the next victims in the "turd in a punchbowl" meme . . . enjoy ;)
 
Disappointment to my parents


Ralph has dared all of us to take up the challenge of telling the world how we disappointed our parents or something.


If I could be a scientist…

I would be a beer sampler at the Amstel Light factory.

If I could be a musician…

I would confuse Disc Jockeys because I would mix types of music and beats.

If I could be a doctor…

I'd be a proctologist, because I like Ralph am an ass man.

If I could be a painter…

I would like to paint in a similar style to Van Gogh. Who knows why, but I always liked his work.

If I could be an innkeeper…
Ironically this was always my dream job, growing up I always wanted to be a hotel manager. I think the guy from Pretty Woman inspired me.


Because I can I am passing this along to....
Jeremy from American Warmonger, John Paul from Everything's Ruined, Kenneth from Ken is a Verb, and my old pal Jenn from Born Under a Fire Sign.



Tuesday, April 26, 2005
 
Possible names for Britney's baby....
With inspiration from Ken is a Verb, I too have decided to name Britney's baby.

Boy:
Earl ( It just fits)
Boudreaux (Going back to Brit's Cajun roots)
Keneshewa (After Kevin's fondness for Asian women)
Booda (Misspelled intentionally they are in Hollywood and all ya know.)
Ashton (Britney's Fantasy)
Justin (Ya know the one that got away)
Pear (Either Sex - Apple was taken by that Paltrow whore)

Girl
Junebug - (And why the hell not)
Brittanica - (Now not only an encyclopedia)
Julep (The relationship began after a months worth of solid pounding mint juleps)
Mojita (Because it is like so... fashionable to be latin, even if you are a blonde from S. Louisiana)
Heidi (Kevin really wishes he could have been around during the Heidi Fleis era)
Shar (Because it is a good name and has absolutely nothing to do with Kevin's ex, really.)
Honda (Because Harley was so.... 2004)

Unisex
Tuedawgsfukkin (Inspired from a chance meeting between Britney and a large Native American man at a Washington State Trading Post)

From Comments
Boy - Asparagus or Gus for short. Courtesy of Julie with a B.

Note: I must admit, that we have the greatest commenters on the WWW. So, commenters, feel free to come up with your own, and I will update. This blog's evolution to a true group blog is coming nearer. Stay tuned.

Jess
Monday, April 25, 2005
 
Jess weighs in on the Papacy, religion and everything else.
So....I noticed a lot of hope amongst progressives that the catholic church would move toward a more modern direction. Problem is, guys and gals, brace yourself. Seriously, sit down. You sitting? Good.

The leaders of the Catholic church are not a speedy group. Don't believe me? Well... Let me show you something. From OPED NEWS July 2004.


As billions of Christians and Muslims throughout the world waited with rapt anticipation, it finally happened. The Pope, on June 24, 2004 apologized for the annihilation of Constantinople (currently called Istanbul , Turkey ) by Christian Crusaders during 4 days of madness, mayhem and murder in April of the year 1204 A.D. Yes, 1204 A.D.


Three hundred million Eastern Orthodox Christians were ecstatic about the long overdue apology. The world rejoiced. The multitudes went wild, taking to the streets in celebrations never before seen. Finally, world peace is at hand. The apology that we were all waiting for now is a reality.


As we all know, the sacking of Constantinople (known as the Fourth Crusade) was one of the most significant historical events between the fall of the Roman Empire and the discovery of America in the New World . It changed the course of world civilization. It changed the history
So... I guess what I am saying is don't expect a priest named Rachel to greet you at the door of your local catholic church with a plate full of condoms, sponges, and morning after pills. In the near future

Relax, it may happen, but probably not in our great great great grand children's lifetimes. Just my opinion... though, and I am but a humble recovering methodist.
 
Conversation with ex in Grocery store (Bumped again for updates)
Her: Hi.

Me:

Her: Uh, this is awkward.

Me:

Her: You talk all the time. Why are you so quiet.

Me: I must have a lump in my throat.

Her: Hey Jess, I know you are hurt. I think I still love you a lot. Lets start over.

Me:

Her: You are too quiet tonight it is scary to see you not talk... I need my joke cracking wise ass Jess.

Me:

Her: Say something.

Me: Gotta go.

Her: Can I call you sometime? I really want to clear things up.

Me:

Her: You left your cart.

Me: (To myself) Fuck the cart. I have to get some air.

Her: I never meant to hurt you.

Me: (Walking away)

Her: Jesse stop.

Me: (To myself) Just keep walking Jess, don't ever look back.

*UPDATE*
The comments have gotten interesting. She appears to be asking other commenters for their help. I dunno, I guess I need you all's help.Whadaya think? Really lay it on me, and well her for that matter.

*UPDATE # 2*Wow. Just wow. One more wow?

*UPDATE 3*
How about my Nuggets?

*UPDATE 4*
How about some kind words for me on Ellis Island?

*UPDATE 5*
I called her after passing her in traffic, told her not to drive in the passing lane at a slow pace. She told me that I was crazy, but it was nice to hear me again. Then work happened, call waiting happened, life happened, and I had to go....

Will I call her again? Probably.
 
Your Brain is 26.67% Female, 73.33% Male

You have a total boy brain
Logical and detailed, you tend to look at the facts
And while your emotions do sway you sometimes...
You never like to get feelings too involved

Pilfered from Pam

 
Terribly fun thing to do
Get a white Crown Vic, put multiple antennas on the trunk, dark tint on the windows, put the sunvisors down so that your faces can't be seen.. Drive through manufactured housing communities.

Watch people scatter.

Trust me we did this, this past weekend. You may hear people shout Police, Police, or Some may yell FIVE -OH Rolling.

Why this amused us? I don't know, but it did.
 
Haiku #2 Discipling zoo animals (Once again no apparent reason)
A bad chimpanzee
Deserves some real discipline
Monkey gets spanked.






More messing with you? Demented person, I write you decide.
Sunday, April 24, 2005
 
Nascar questions?
Rusty Wallace and his sponsor Miller Lite are on the "Last Call" tour for his retirement on this final season. My question is being that Mark Martin is retiring as well, and his sponsor is Viagra is he on the "Coming Up One Last Time" tour?

Discuss.
 
Evil Spurs
I really think Tim Duncan is the spawn of Satan. Besides Melo is better than Lebron, we all need to cheer for the underdog. Go Nuggets.

*Update*
Well, I'll be damned. From ESPN

Andre Miller scored 31 points and Denver held San Antonio without a field goal for more than 10 minutes of the fourth quarter Sunday as the Nuggets defeated the Spurs 93-87 in the opening game of their first-round playoff series.

 
Don't drink and read... Really I am sober now and it kind of sucks.
Avedon. She will sober you up pretty quickly. First hand knowledge. The Sideshow is a great blog not to be read at midnight after consuming 6 or 7 Jim Beam and Diet Pepsis.

ASZ's doing a little Monkey Business.

Atrios weighs in on young people that smoke. Why? I guess because his minions believe everything he says... He is a blog god to his followers, to me he is merely a descent blogger. But who am I?

SKBubba asks the burning question of Bill Frist.

Goldstein goes through the McDonald's drive-through in his Volvo Station wagon... Ok so maybe he was inside but anyway....

The General is hoping to watch the UFC chamionship with Ryan Dobson. (James' boy ya know the 35 year old with the fashion sense of a 14 year old.)

Jeremy thinks Iraq has been a net gain on life. Not so sure... But I am also not sure of civilian casualties and numbers from Sadaams days. In other words not my place to debate.

I guess I scare Guy from Rook's Rant.

Chuck tells us about his worst kissing experience.

*UPDATE*
Long time LOSLI friend, team member and Blogfather Travis, has returned and points us to this disturbing article.
Saturday, April 23, 2005
 
Caption away if you want

Cheney told me to deepthroat him.... Problem is he is only this long. The shit I do to be the U.N. Ambassador. Posted by Hello
 
Choking hen ( A haiku for no particular reason)
I choke a hen hard
I grab her neck rubbing light.
I choke a chicken.








Do you think I might....Just possibly be messing with you? What do you think? Or am I a really demented individual?
 
My kind of lawyer
I would probably hire him if I was in trouble in LA.


Los Angeles criminal defense attorney Ronald Miller does more than file his briefs, he also takes them off.
Miller spends some days in front of a judge and many nights in front of a camera, where he's known as Don Hollywood, porn star. Miller has performed in more than 90 films in the past seven years
.
The 56-year-old lawyer says he reveals his night job to his clients and says he's had no trouble balancing the two careers
.
He's currently working on more than 30 cases. And how does his wife feel about it? No problem. She's a porn star too.

He genuinely puts his meat where he gets his bread.


 
Dear Penny
I am so sorry to hear about your grand daughter. I know that you are going through a hard time. I want you to know that we love you over at LOSLI. Please Penny should you need help or guidance or just a someone to talk to, you can come to me anytime. I truly hope that your life finds those rays of sunshine, and the smile that your writing expounded.

Your Cyber Son
Jess

P.S. You are the best cyber mama in the world.
 
Talking to tangueray n tonic
Me: TnT huh? Like dynamite.

TnT:

Me: I always called you boxing gloves and condoms.

TnT:

Me: You want to know why?

TnT:

Me: Because I know people that like to fight when they drink you. Me I personally preferred the condom part... Ya know fightin or f***ing?

TnT:

Me: I need a life.... I seem to have stooped to new lows, talking to alcohol. I gotta go.
 
Is there no center?
Just because I am a little left of center does not mean that I am a communist, a socialist, or a detractor of the troops. I am really sick of the generalizations. I support our troops, I believe in capitalism, I believe in the American dream. I own guns, I hunt, I do not belong to the NRA, I am your neighbor, your friend. Lets quit the mudslinging, the running down. I am not trying to cop a plea... I am just trying to be the bigger man.
 
No no no.... the pear is retired
He may never speak again.
 

Your Linguistic Profile:

70% General American English
15% Dixie
10% Upper Midwestern
5% Yankee
0% Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

Friday, April 22, 2005
 

 
Tired of hearing....
Jeez.

It it is a cop out. Say gee or Jesus.

Example of what I hate
(Drunk to Oak tree) Jeez man you are hard. Your branches like really hurt, Jeez man my car is stuck in your top.

What should have been said.
(Same situation referenced above) Gee I hope my buddy with a winch gets here before the cops do.

Or Perhaps
(Same situation) I wonder if the cops will believe that my car was taken over by Jesus and walked upon tree tops.
 

Take the test

Anti-racist
You scored 10!

Congratulations, you are a very tolerant and muticultered person! No one could ever accuse you of being a racist!




My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 5% on racistpoints
Link: The Are you a racist? Test

*Update* Jeremy and Julie B have taken the test as well.
Thursday, April 21, 2005
 

My computer geek score is greater than 79% of all people in the world! How do you compare? Click here to find out!

 
mmm mo effin hmm
I told you fuckers I is cool.... Now I have a internets test to prove it.

I am nerdier than 5% of all people. Are you nerdier? Click here to find out!


Courtesy of Jeremy a really nerdy guy....
 

This one is not meant to offend my favorite Arkansas bloggers Posted by Hello
 

Only Ralph could come up with this... Posted by Hello
 

Ralph is at it again.... Posted by Hello
 

From Ralph Posted by Hello
 
Referral Madness # 1
Recent Referrals to LOSLI from our friends at the search engines.

Who Discovered Vermont? (Google)

Definition of integrity (Yahoo)

Nicki McRoberts (Google)

Ken Salazar waffles (Google)

rednecksingles.com (Overture)

Something about microsoft excel (Google)

tupac shakur seen 5th april cnn (Google UK)

"what can I bring"+"Jail"+"Joke" (Google)

"mary beth cahill" (Google)

Erica Talks (Google Spain)

Sally from the valley porn (Google)

David Hartlaub Murder by Hells Angels (Google)

jehovah's witness geri halliwell (Google)

Chicken habitat facts (Google)

jello biafara grow more pot (Google)

Enid Goldstein (Google)

life nebraska site:blogspot.com (Google)

These were just todays.... If you came from any of these, pull up a chair kick off your shoes and stay a while.
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
 
Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea ...
-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
Saturday, April 16, 2005
 
Where did Bad Penny GO?
I took the baby to the hospital. She had a CT scan. I learned some new and very big words.

SCHIZENCEPHALY &
POLYMICROGYRIA

I am starting to feel like talking again. But that may not last.
 
A little Tax Day Story...
At 10:48 pm on April 15th my telephone rings. I say "Hello?" Number One daughter says "Hey, momma..." We pause. This is the clue that she wants something from me.

What will it be? Money? A ride? An alibi?

"Soooooo... how long does it take to do taxes?"

Oh Holy Mother of Substantial Penalties... She has to learn sometime, huh?
 
Hot Cali blogger
Ms. Julie B. I hate to call her this but she did tell me once she had kids so there for...
I must call her the ultimate MILF.

*Bonus Julie Pic.*

*Bonus Julie Pic # 2*

*No offense was meant by this Jules, if it offends I will take it down.*
 
Um... I don't know how to say this but, she is a dangerously hot rightwinger. Hell, I might even tell her I liked Fox News if I thought it would help. Reminescent of McAllen, TX in the August sun. Fucking Scorching....
 
I seem to have lost 6 of my seven regulars....
That fucking taco must have run them off.
 
Conversation with a taco.
Me: Uh, I kind of quit eating tacos for a while.

Taco:

Me: But it is good to be back in the taco eating sector of our society.

Taco:

Me: It is not that I quit liking tacos. That is not the case at all. I love tacos, it is that tacos reminded me of this girl who used to serve me tacos.

Taco:

Me: It brought back bad memories of C.

Taco:

Me: It was a bad deal. Quit looking at me like that. Food is not supposed to be painful.

Taco:

Me: I am over all that though and ready to enjoy tacos again.

Taco: Dude you really have issues. Major ones at that, but go ahead and tell the taco about the girl, the one that got away, or broke your heart or whatever.

Me: Another time.
Friday, April 15, 2005
 
Blogger that I think would be cool in real life...
To answer my own (or PSOTD's) question.

Ralph.

He cracks me up... That is one tight (meant in a good way) mofo.
 
A couple o' quick things
Avedon, my favorite "big time" blogger is all over the bankruptcy bill...

I am going to steal this question from PSOTD....
Time to Spill
Who do you think would be the coolest blogger to know in person that you don't really know?

Richard Cranium and Co. at the ASZ have moved.

Jeremy Aka Warmonger has as well...

Jeff G. is taking a break in a fashion only Jeff could manage.

Loving The Games "Documentary" CD. A must have for all you rap lovers... Ahem *Ginger*

Don't forget to answer the question......

Jess the Mess (kinda but my car is clean.)
 
Conversations with counter help volume 1.
Picture it. Fort Worth, TX. A fast food chain whose name rhymes with Barbies, and has a funny looking cowboy hat on their sign. Your fearless blogger forced to go in.... because the lady at the window tinting shop told him not to roll down his windows for three days. 8:00 PM.

Me: (Looking at empty restaurant)You all are really poppin tonight eh?

Counter Clerk: (A large young woman with dirty blonde hair and barbecue sauce stains on her uniform.) Yeah we are. What are you having?

Me: I am not sure yet. What is good?

CC: I really like the cheesesticks.

Me: That is drunk food. That is like 3:00am Denny's stuff after a night of Canadian Hunter with two Puerto Ricans.

CC: I used to have a fake ID but I gave it to the police officer when he raided a bar.

Me: Always a good idea.

CC: So... What are you having?

Me: A roast beef sandwich, a small curly fry, and a large diet coke.

CC: Here is your cup. Fill it with what you want.

Me: OK. (Walk over to soda fountain )

Manager: You doing alright man?

Me: I get better all the time. How about you?

Manager: I am alright.

Me: Thats good. (Punching the Diet Dr. Pepper button)

Manager: Are you a married man?

Me: Let me tell you something about my wife. She does not write, she does not call, not even a gawd damn e-mail from her. I thought for a while her e-mails were getting held up in my spam guard, but that was not the case.... Hell, I have not even met her yet.

Manager: Is that some slick way of saying no?

Me: (Thinking gawd I hope he does not try and set me up with his sister or something) I guess so.

Manager: Let me tell you a thing or about women and marriage.

Me: (Thinking to myself "This ought to be good".) OK.

Manager: Uh yeah. Imagine them doing the worst possible thing to you. If you could take them back after that you know they are keepers. My ex wife she stole money from me and then fucked around on me.

CC: You can't say the f-word to a customer.

Me: It is alright. So, you say ex.... I guess she wasn't the one eh?

Manager: He is cool, we can cuss in front of him.

CC: Well then, here is your fucking sandwich.

Me: Can I have some sauce.

CC: Fucking aye.

Me: Both kinds please.

CC: You bet your sweet white ass. Mo fucker.

Manager: Umm, lets not call him that.

Me: It's cool. (Thinking "she is whiter than me."

Manager: Fuck it then.

Me: You guys have a good night.

CC: Keep it real player.

Me: Aight.

CC: That was one cool mother fucker.

Manager: Straight up.

Me: You fuckers behave.

CC: Hell yay.

Me: (To myself) Why does this shit always happen to me?
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
 
Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.
Carl Sagan

Political ideology can corrupt the mind, and science.
Edward O. Wilson
Monday, April 11, 2005
 
Life goes on.... Tupac Shakur R.I.P. A.T.

How many brothas fell victim to tha streetz
Rest in peace young niggathere's a Heaven for a 'G'
be a lie

If I told ya that I never thought of death
my niggas

we tha last ones left

but life goes on.....

ring, ring, ring

quiet y'all

incoming call
plus this my homie from high school
he's getting by
It's time to worry
another brotha
nobody cry
life as a baller
alchol and booty calls
we usta do them as adolecents
do you recall ?
raised as G's
loc'ed out and blazed the weed
get on tha roof
let's get smoked outand blaze with me
2' in tha morning
and we still high assed out
screamin' 'thug till I die'before I passed out

but now that your gone
i'm in tha zone
thinkin''I don't wanna die all alone'

I love them niggas to death
i'm drinkin' Hennessy
while tryin' ta make it last
I drink a 5th for that ass
when you pass...cause life goes on

I got tha word as hell
ya blew trial and tha judge gave you
25 with an L
time to prepare to do fair time
won't see paroleimagine life as a convict
that's getten' old

Me and you
No true a two
while schemeing on hits
and gettin tricks
that maybe we can slide intobut now you burried
rest nigga
cause I ain't worried
eyes bluried
sayin' goodbye at the cemetary
tho' memories fade
I got your name tated on my arm
so we both ball till' my dying days
before I say goodbye

You know what I mean
last yearwe poured out liquor for ya
this year nigga, life goes on
we're gonna clock now

make sure it's popin' when we get up there
don't front.


 
slush slush
Once upon a time when Colorado was populated with people that actually knew how to drive…

The city didn’t shut down until we had 3 feet of snow and you still had to go to school. Well, okay, that might be an exaggeration but I’m sure there’s a picture of me somewhere waiting for the bus in 3 feet of snow.

Anyway… while I was out driving around in the “blizzard of 05” in the Honda Civic that didn’t slide once… others were holed up in their dwellings watching the news.

Did anyone else laugh when they said most church services were cancelled with the exception of all Catholic Mass services? I know I did.
Sunday, April 10, 2005
 
Nuthin' But Net

Amazing video here.


 
Conversation with ex girlfriend
Me: Hello.

Ex: I've been thinking.

Me: It is good not let your mind grow stagnant.

Ex: Yeah. Whatever that means.

Me: Right. So whats up?

Ex: Do you ever think about us?

Me: Umm. Not really.

Ex: We could have been great.

Me: Perhaps, but you cheated on me at a Dave Matthews band concert.

Ex: Well, but.....

Me: Besided I do not think about the past. I will not go to any of my highschool or college reunions, I am in the present the future is coming but I have enough shit to worry about with what's happening today, No time to think about yesterday.

Ex: When was the last time you thought about me?

Me: About a second ago. I am currently.

Ex: So, I never crossed your mind at all?

Me: Well, no. Not really. I remembered you when I went somewhere we had been but that is about it.

Ex: You free for dinner?

Me: I was yesterday.

Ex: I don't get it.

Me: OK.
Saturday, April 09, 2005
 
Why I watched CNN Headline News
The hottest anchor on TV ever. 'Nuff said. I guess I now have to start watching Anderson Cooper, damn.
Friday, April 08, 2005
 
Fat Joe tribute post
Lean back..... while someone holds you down. You fat talentless prick.
 
Mad Max on Schiavo
I supported the Schindler family on the Teri Shiavo case. Can someone pass the Drago's special cocktail sauce?

Update
Oh and... Ginger puts Kevin and Britney in perspective.
 
Creature of habit
I get into routines. I stop at the same place for coffee everyday. It actually is not coffee. It is a latte or mocha or something. I let the coffee girl make me what I call "bartender's choice" so I never know what I am going to get. I had not stopped at my coffee shop lately and I guess it drew concern.

Text message from coffee girl.
"Hey did you find a new coffee girl or what? I am worried."

My Reply
"Never you are still my favorite in the whole wide world."

Her Reply
"Good, so will you be in today?"

My Reply
"On my way"

Her Reply
"Good. I've missed you."

It is nice to know that I am missed by a coffee girl. Yes guys she is.... ya know.... beautiful.
 
Random Tom Arnold Thought
I hope I got all of that falafel sandwich off my chin. The sauce tends to drip.
 
Question for the G-Unit.
Is Tony Yayo free yet? If so, why continue saying "Free Yayo"?

Update
Thanks to the coolest ESL teacher in the blogosphere Mister Babylon I now know Tony Yayo is still in jail. So, I join in the "Free Yayo" movement.


FREE YAYO
Thursday, April 07, 2005
 
Litmus test for bumper stickers
If you are going to get a bumpersticker that says "Princess" then another that says "Cutie" it is highly recommended that you be at least one of these things. Today I saw a blue Mazda Miata with both of these stickers on it driving. I caught myself getting a little bit excited. I decided I must take a gander. Big mistake. The driver was scary looking. She was one of those girls that could "make a freight train take a dirt road"

My advice to her get a friend to help you pick out bumperstickers. Preferably a friend with some common sense and judgement. I am sure she is a cool girl, I just hope the car was borrowed.

Just Jess pondering.
 
Talk radio
I have a guilty pleasure, listening to overnight AM radio..... Coast to Coast AM with George Noory. I guess my reason for this is, no matter how weird I think I am if I listen to that show, I feel "normal."

That being said, I rarely listen to day time talk radio. I just think most hosts on both sides of the spectrum are arrogant pricks. I can not stand Rush Limbaugh nor Al Franken. I think Hannity is about as informative as talking to my lamp. Ed Schultz is a fucking sellout.

Why do I bring this up? Today I listened to "The Citizen Journalist Report" I must say I did laugh. Jeff Goldstein (Protein Wisdom) is funny blogging or talking. Bill Ardolino (INDC Journal)is a good host as well. I listened to the LGF segment. I may not agree with much of what Charles Johnson writes but the show humanized him.

So.... Support the boys and their new endeavor.
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
 
Conversations with Microsoft Excel Volume 2
Me: So.....

Excel:

Me: I guess we need to get along. Ya know call a truce.

Excel:

Me: I have just used Word more and all ya know? Just a familiarity issue.

Excel: Well dumbass, how many Excel classes have you taken?

Me: Uh 2..... I think.

Excel: You got nothing from those classes?

Me: Uh.

Excel: What were you doing trying to meet girls or learn Excel? Come on dumbass.

Me: Uh.

Excel: You make me sick.

Me: Watch it, or I will control-alt-delete your ass.

Excel:

Me: That's what I thought.

Excel:

Me: Sorry, man. I think all this coverage of the pope and Terri Schiavo before that have me stressed. The news seems to be nonstop death lately. I am not downplaying the situations but damn, I just want something happy every once in a while. Hell I would settle for Britneyv/ Kevin gossip at this point.

Excel: Breathe. Just relax. Damn you need some Ridlin or something dude. You make me nervous always pacing and shit.
 
A little advice from Jess to the blonde in the mall parking lot.
You are a beautiful women. You are young (probably 25), you look good, you can do better than the 35 year old guy with the mullet and AC / DC shirt calling you the worst name a women can be called. Seriously. WTF do you see in him? It is sad. I am sorry you are treated that way.
 
DC's questions
Rick who runs one of my favorite conservative websites (DC) has sent me some questions to answer.... Ok, here is my endorsement of DC.

Reading D.C. is like listening to a great politician speak....before the system corrupted them.

1) You made an interesting statement in a comment one time that Iwanted to follow up. You said that you (a not flaming liberal, but aDemocrat nonetheless) and I (a social, economic, and nat'l securityconservative ... an evangelical Christian) are "not all thatdifferent". Explain what you meant by that comment.


We both want what is best for this fine republic that we both live in. We may see the route to the promised land a little differently, but we both want the American dream. Besides I believe that we probably both put on our pants the same way.... One leg at a time. I do not remember the exact reason I said that, it may have been just to say that "hey man we may may not agree, but I think you are alright."

2) I heard that maybe ... just maybe ... you used to be a Republican.Is this so, and if so ... what caused the change? If not, just giveus a paragraph description of your political philosophy.

The simple answer, George W. Bush and his band of neocons. I simply could not associate myself with a group that had so much hate for the civil liberties, love of budget deficits, and disregard for states rights. The party ideals seem to be driven by a small group of people that were taking the party down a road that I did not feel comfortable on.

My political philosophy is a fiscally conservative socially liberal one. I do not feel as if bureaucrats in Washington should dictate what a women in Des Moines, Iowa can do with her body. I believe every life is prescious but that sometimes a women must make a choice and that choice is hers and hers alone. I am in favor of the death penalty. I am all for the N.A.F.T.A. trade agreement. I believe that every american should have an equal shot. I believe in the American Dream, I believe that anybody can do great things. I believe that the government is here to support not carry people. I am a fan of workfare.

3) Tell us about your personal (work, social, blogging ... whateveryou care to share) plans and goals. Where do you see yourself in fiveyears?


My goals are to be the best at whatever I am doing. Period. I am going to be somewhere doing the best that I can be. Work, I doubt that I will be able to retire at 31 so, I would like to be doing something that I love to do, which incidentally I do now. Blogging is day to day. Social who knows.

4) You are able to have dinner with one person, any person. Name theperson, and tell us about how you would like to see the evening go.(Assume that people even younger than you might read this answer ...ahem ... assume your answer could be
read over the airwaves).

I would like to have dinner with Warren Buffet. He is an amazing business person, an innovator, and I have been told a very nice person.

5) Who are your political or ideological heroes and why?

Tough one Rick. My dad has always been one of my heroes and still is to this day. Politically I like John McCain, I may not agree with all of his politics, I admire his drive and his willingness to work together with his colleagues. Another political one would have to be Ken Salazar Sen. CO, he is truly the American dream.

Interviewing Rules ... For those who would like to submit themselves to an interview by Jess

* Leave me a comment saying “interview me”. The first five commenters will be the participants.*I will respond by asking you five questions.*You will update your blog/site with the answers to the questions.*You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.*

D.C.'s inspiration.
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
 
Important
http://savethefilibuster.org

Henry Hill on the doljah. Again. No big surprises.
 
Quick roundup
I have not felt like writing a long or signifigant post lately, so... I will cop out and give you another one of my newsroundups.....

Deuteronomy 33:24

There will be be Texans in the sacred lands, they will bring peace,
goodwill, guns with their drilling rigs. H/T Jesus General
Sexy women. No girls allowed. (Guys you will thank me for this link.)

Warden wife, convicted murderer escapee found ten years later living together in Texas... She claims she was held against her will.... Jess says yeaheffingright.

Vick scrambles out of the pocket.... he moves to his his left, he moves to his right he eludes a defender, he could go all the way...
He's at the 30, the 20, the 10. He is headed to the VD clinic.
Monday, April 04, 2005
 
Quick roundup
Flu. Flu. Flu. Flu. Not fun, feel like ass.

Have you ever seen a gas station within 15 miles of the refinery with gas prices above $2.35 a gallon? To me that is unfuckingbelievable.

Someone forgot to pay their hotel bill.
The letter written by the hotel's accountant Kirsten Yunuba Stephens, said: "My question to you: Is this how you help balance the budget at the White House by ripping off retailers in the towns you visit? If that is the case please do not come back to the Rogue Valley."

Dumb fucking athletes.
Not content with tanking his NBA career and fathering four illegitimate children while on the road, Shawn Kemp gets busted for cocaine and marijuana possession while hotboxing a truck behind a carwash.

Move the fuck out of the way.
Since the patrol started enforcing the "Left Lane Law" three months ago, troopers have written about 460 tickets or about an average of five a day to drivers who dawdle in the left lane.

Safety tips.....
Sunday, April 03, 2005
 
Only the good die young

R.I.P. Mitch Hedberg 1968 - 2005

Between the wall to wall coverage of the deaths of the Pope and Terri Schiavo, coverage of Mitch's death was shuffled to be a page 7 story.

ST. PAUL -- Mitch Hedberg, a Minnesota-born comedian who worked in nightclubs, college campuses, television and film in a wide-ranging career, and who struggled with drugs and alcohol, died in New Jersey, his family said. He was 37.

Hedberg died Wednesday in a hotel room in Livingston, N.J. Pending the medical examiner's report, the cause of death appears to be heart failure, said his mother, Mary Hedberg. She said her son was born with a heart defect and frequently felt anxious about his condition.

Mary Hedberg said speculation that her son's death was drug-related was gossip.

A hit on "The Late Show With David Letterman," on which he appeared 10 times, and "The Howard Stern Show," Hedberg once was dubbed "the next Seinfeld" by Time magazine. But TV-series fame eluded him because his unique style of mumbled one-liners didn't lend itself to the sitcom format. His rambling, non-sequitur style often drew comparisons to Steven Wright, but Hedberg disagreed
.



A few of my favorite of Mitch's famous one liners.

I had a bag of fritos, they were texas grilled fritos. These fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of something, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on, better flip that frito, dad, you know how I like mine.


I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.


I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said "Fuck it. Cut em up.


I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

Friday, April 01, 2005
 
Scenes from a sandwich shop volume 2.
After we got our sandwiches (mine a roasted chicken, hers I am not sure) we sat down. The following conversation ensued.

Jenny: So.....

Me: So.....

Jenny:

Me:

Jenny: Um do you remember me at all from Friday?

Me: Yes vaguely.

Jenny: Good. Just making sure.

Me: Oh yeah, how could I forget?

Jenny: Um, well you guys looked like you had been having a wild night.

Me: Yes it was wild, good I got to meet you.

Jenny: Well ya know I have a guy that I have been seeing.

Me: OK.

Jenny: You have a girlfriend too right?

Me: I dunno what I have. Why?

Jenny: Well you were text messaging her while we were talking.

Me: Sorry, that was rude.

Jenny: Ah, it was kind of cute.

Me: Well thank you, for not being mad at me.

Jenny: I think we will be great friends.

Me: I agree. You want those chips?

Jenny: Yes.

Me: Had to ask.

Me: So....

Jenny: Yes.

Me: Nothing.

Jenny: OK.

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