Saturday, April 30, 2005
Some Personal Stuff, Since I don't Feel Like Writing About Anything Else.
If you asked me why, I do not know that the answer is simple enough to make it clear. It may have been all of the lying, and hiding- stupid little treasures, genuine in their mediocrity- and I was just looking for a fucking pen, you see. In fact I continued my search for a fresh pen-preferably one with a lid, and ball-point, I prefer ball point- and went on with my day ignoring your little secret. It was nothing big, just a little something you got for yourself, dear. A little something for you- and you deserve it, don't you? Of course after little coaxing and I learn that this little treasure is just a miniscule portion of the stockpile of amutnition you have collected over the past year and a half.
That is not enough. Simply, there are worse one can do than hide things. I don't even know why you hid most of them. The thing is- it has been longer than a year and a half, you and I that is. Much longer. This is not the first moment of reckoning. This is not the first promise of change, not the first time I realized that I can't trust you, and not the first time you have caused me to feel so small that the world around me is a scary nuisance and bed becomes my ultimate residence. It is one of many untrusting moments of gutwrenching pain. I don't believe I saw the worst of it- but I didn't really have the energy to push much harder- and what I ended up with is incriminating enough.
Maybe, it just isn't a very good idea to refer to something different your fiance does in bed as a "new trick" unless some roleplaying is involved. It is not fair for me to reveal anything more detailed about our sex life, but we both know it is rocky.
Maybe I have done worse things, and I know at times I can be pretty hard to live with- and it may just be possible that this is just a good excuse to detatch myself- as I am notorious for that. Maybe I am just so fucking tired, dear, of all the little shit we fight about. Maybe I am not a person that needs what you give me, and maybe I just need a little time to think things over- some time to myself-without interruption.